pregnancy journal entry 5

This is day number 140 and you're 20 weeks pregnant!
You have 140 days or 20 weeks left, and are 50.0% of the way there.
Baby's age since conception is 126 days or 18 weeks. You are due on 8/10/2008.

Fetal Development
Your baby is now about 5.6 to 6.4 inches and weighs approximately 9 ounces. Your baby is now big enough that you may be able to tell when he or she is awake or asleep based on the level of activity. You can also see a lot of movement in the ultrasound image. Looking at ultrasound images of other babies can help you figure out what you're looking at when you see your baby's image.

half way there exactly, apparently!! the second time goes so much faster, i tell you... i have had a couple of appointments since i last wrote. no ultrasound yet, though. one was a nutrition appointment which was... a bit hilarious. they make you write down everything you ate the day before, and the quantities. "dang, i KNEW i shouldn't have eaten that croissant!!" but it turned out that i was kicking arse on the whole rest of it so much that the nutritionist didn't even mention the croissant to me! yessss. first she asked me if i was a vegetarian; i said no, i just don't eat very much meat as it's expensive. after she reviewed my sheet, she asked me where i thought i might do better, and i said probably i could eat more fruits, but they are pricey, too. she said i was doing really well in the fruit and veggie dept. actually. then i said i could probably eat more protein, and she agreed, though i had been eating eggs, quinoa, yogurt, nuts, etc. all day, and yes, we do sometimes eat chicken too. so she told me on the fruit issue, that i could eat canned fruits and veggies too, which were cheaper. "i know, i eat frozen sometimes, but i try to stay away from canned food more because of the biosphenol-a in the lining." (and--hello! have you ever looked at the ingredients in, say, a can of peaches? not just peaches, no: massive amounts of CORN SYRUP. gross. you're better off not eating anything.)

the whole idea of the county setting up a nutrition review is laughable, as they of course default to the fda's "standard" which is WAY off on its nutritional information. (much like hospitals which tend to want to "run" your labor based on a chart that some man wrote up in a science journal in the '70s stating that a woman should dilate one centimeter every hour. hah!) for example, you walk into the nutritionist's office, and there are a bunch of food posters on the wall intended as helpful guides. one deals with portion control. instead of this much, you should eat this much. yet the poster child for this advertisement is a hamburger with french fries!!! why? instead of eating a whole burger and a good portion of fries, you should eat half a burger and only 10 fries??!! 'scuse me, but if i'm eating a hamburger and french fries i am not considering the 'health' of it in any respect; i've pretty much said to hell with that for this meal! so i'm gonna darn well eat the whole burger (tho i usu. prefer the lettuce wrap--that crappy bread absorbs the juicy flavor of the meat too much for me) and the whole box of french fries, thank you! it is good for the soul, anyways. plus, they have the usual in their food categories: white pasta, lowfat cow's milk, no mention of the benefits of eating organic... things concerning which independent minds have already done their own research...

haha, sparrow was amazing, though. i took her on this appointment with me, and she was sitting there on my lap looking at the pictures on the wall, saying excitedly, "broccoli! ...beans!" thank you, sparrow. she's a star child.

anyways, for the appointment i had 3 days ago, the lady who took my blood pressure said, "you're not feeling the baby move yet, are you?" huh? yeah! lots! "oh! a tenacious one!" she said. but i was on the tail end of 19 weeks by that point! i think you can usually feel moving at 16 weeks, if i remember correctly. i guess everyone's different.

the nurse also confirmed that i have a pretty big diastisis separation... dang. that means i have to give up the ab work section of my pilates routine for now! i have been doing the inner-ab exercises pretty faithfully ever since, but as you don't get sore from that, it doesn't really count as "exercise" for me. grrrr. the horizons on available cheap exercises i can do are shrinking once again. i really need to get a couple more of the preggy exercise videos. when our tax return comes in...

here is how you do inner ab exercises: pull the belly button to the spine and do little squeezes further in, not moving your back. you can only take shapplow breaths during these, but then breathe deeply when your're done! one website said to do five sets of a hundred every day, and you would see improvement. i mean, they're not that hard, but hahahahahahaaa! (that's like the doctor i read who recommended 300 kegels per day! obviously a man. sure, you can *technically* do them anywhere, but they still require concentration! it's not like you can command your body to independently keep doing kegels all day as if it were breathing. i even find it hard to do them while i'm driving. i get to about seven, and then i just...forget. because i'm keeping my mind on the road, apparently!! hello!) anyways, back to the abs: most women who have babies get the disatisis separation, so it's good to know how to exercise the inner supporting muscle, and apparently doing crunches and "regular" ab work is detrimental. but i found out that if you don't get the separation back to a minimum, you could end up looking a preggy for life, as your guts push out on the weakened muscle. it dawned on me that this is also why my belly button blew up like a raisin in the oven and never got little and cute again! also why i look so much more pregnant at night, when i've eaten the day's meals... huh! so bummed on the diastisis. i've managed to do at least 3 sets of a hundred each day due to pure bumming.

another fun issue during pregnancy and beyond is the peeing. not only do you have to go 30 times per day, but if you wait even a little bit, it's often... a little bit too late. and the great part is that you pretty much constantly feel like you have to pee, even if you've just gone! evidently there is some back pocket of your bladder that gets blocked by your uterus, and therefore once you think you're done and are about to get up, more comes out! then finally you are sure you are done, and you get up and start another project. four minutes later you AGAIN have to pee so badly! then you get to go hop around once again while trying to undo the multiple buckles and latches that are for SOME reason a part of your MATERNITY pants!!!

i swear, the people that design maternity clothes are evil, evil beings. i picture them having planted little spy cameras on every pregnant woman in the western world, a small oligarchy of maternity clothing designers sitting up in remote towers in the clouds as they sip martinis and cackle as they observe the hideousness that they have inflicted upon the unsuspecting motherly masses.

first of all. in a time of your life when you don't need to be looking bulkier around the butt and hips, they add, yes, GATHERS to the waistlines of pants, so they billow out just so! (note to self: don't wear gathered pants after 1987!) then they usually add extra bulky pockets right on the sides of the upper thigh so it looks especially bulged. and i swear, you can't find pants that flare at the bottom; it's all tapered! ok, so pants that hug the ankles are popular. SO!? common sense tells me that when my hips are blowing up in the middle, i need flare at my feet to keep things balanced, no? sure, you can spend $180 on a pair of nice-looking jeans, but why would i EVER do that when i wouldn't even spend that for a pair of jeans for my "normal" body, that i would wear for five years plus? not to mention that even designer pants usually have these enormous pouches and tents that you are supposed to pull all the way over your belly! hahahaha! picture their stifling polyester bags over your bun and oven all hot summer long. the bands are always so gross-looking, too, some off color like bright blue or dirty beige. ugh. you can keep wearing your old favorite pants, in fact, if you use this accessory: a tube top. i wore a black tunic tube top with everything when i was preggy with sparrow. if you already have kids, you know wearing a tube top is risky, as you are always shifting to pick them up, and your top rearranges as they sit on your hip--not to mention you never know when your kid might decide to pull at your shirt. the real joy of a tube top, though, is that it can work as a "belly band" (which maternity clothing stores sell at exorbitant prices). just get a big, stretchy tube top somewhere cheap, cut out the shelf bra if you have to, and pull it down so it covers your hips, and you can wear your regular pants under this (unbuttoned) for a very long time! with another shirt layered on the top. it's a beautiful thing.

here is what else i learned during the last pregnancy on how to make it through the body change without spending a fortune:

pants- go search out workable non-preggy pants at cheap-ish stores like urban (sale rack) or angl (sale rack) or my favorite: H&M. look for linen-style pants that don't taper, and either have drawstrings at the top, or a nice, wide stretchy waistband. i found my favorite pants at forever 21 on the sales rack for 10 bucks, wore them thru my whole pregnancy, and am still getting compliments on them. gaucho pants are also an awesome choice, as they all come with that nice stretchy waistband and usually don't hug the hips. (kim reeve wears tight little yoga pants her whole pregnancy and still looks great, but...she's the only one i know that can get away with that.)

as for shirts, the things they try to pan off on expectant mothers are all muumuu- or tent-like affairs with usually garish, bright prints, or too many ruffles and details to come out looking sleek. ditch these. if they are made for pregnant women, they automatically come with at least a 30% price increase, as if the tiny bit of extra material has cost them that much! so rude. you can find bigger tops at regular stores for cheap. i personally feel soooo blessed to live in an age where tunic tops are "in" and easily available! really, all you need in a preggy shirt is length. you don't need to "hide" your belly--your belly, i think is the one part of your body to accentuate, since that's where the baby is, and the roundness is all the baby's fault, therefore beautiful! you can get long shirts or tanks for super cheap--$7 at wet seal, $12 or less at angl or nordstrom (with shelf bra!), and under $20 at victoria's secret online. i love that store. if you do want to "mask" the tummy shape a bit by wearing muumuu or tent, at least go for an attractive one--VS online sells really cute embellished babydoll tops, which are perfect--anything with an empire waist and some length to it, and you are all set to accommodate a growing belly. (always shop clearance first!) one of my favorite outfits is capri leggings (stretch!) paired with short but roomy summer dresses. they cover the butt, and leave space for the baby. and this combo looks cute with boots, flats, flip flops, mules, anything! a good place to get leggings, by the way, is forever 21. i think they are about 8 dollars. (um, according to my lawyer friend silas, that place uses sweatshops, though, so leave me a comment if you know of anywhere else...)

a word on thrift stores: these places are great, if you have hours on hand to browse to find what you want. i can never take sparrow into a thrift store for more than 3 minutes, before i get too frustrated at having to wade thru millions of ugly clothes before finding something that is ok-looking, not to mention in my size, style, and to suit my specific need. i have had pretty bad luck in santa barbara thrift stores. i don't usually end up wearing what i bought, in other words. i only bought it because it was cheap, and it usually wasn't even what i went in there to find. it is a much better investment, in my opinion, to shop clearance racks at stores you love, and know you will wear your purchase for years to come!

moral: don't let the wicked maternity stores--or anyone else--pull the wool over your eyes during your already vulnerable pregnancy!!

only one religion would do this...

i check out the news every now and again. the muslim world is so agitated, it is getting more cataclysmic, more restless out there every day. contrary to popular belief, i do NOT hate muslims, and i KNOW that there are those out there who have been raised in "moderate" muslim homes, and do not rejoice at the violence done in their name. but two points: 1) where is their voice in protesting the evil? and 2) "moderation" is not the true heart of islam, not the example set by muhammad. in reading the quran and the hadith, you find that everything the "radicals" are doing is true to their scripture, incited by the holy writings and by the life of the prophet. "moderates" have changed the meanings of the scriptures to fit what they think life should be like (they may be more humane, but they are wrong to think they are still following the quran.) much like "moderate" christians who like to read the Bible in context of their life in the world, rather than live life in the world in the context of God's word.

read this about a muslim PROTEST IN LOS ANGELES, a protest to mourning children's lives who were lost in a "religious" shooting at their seminary in israel. no, infidels may not even mourn the deaths of their children!

pregnancy journal entry 4

This is day number 120 and you're 17 weeks pregnant!
You have 160 days or 22 weeks left, and are 42.9% of the way there.
Baby's age since conception is 106 days or 15 weeks. You are due on 8/10/2008.

Fetal Development
Your baby is approximately 4.8 inches long and weighs about 3.5 ounces, and he or she should weigh more than the placenta from this point on. Since your baby's hearing has become more finely tuned, he or she may respond to loud noises and you may feel movement at the sound of large trucks passing or a slamming door. Epidermal (skin) and fatty tissue are developing all over your baby's body to protect it after it is born and a substance called vernix is beginning to form on the skin tissue to protect it from the long exposure to amniotic fluid.

awesome. wow, and i am sorry i have taken THIS one for granted: my nausea is ALL GONE. actually i haven't been taking it for granted, but i realized i hadn't written it down as a praise report yet! as soon as i'd hit 12 weeks, it totally disappeared, and my energy came back too! i still get a bit weak when i don't eat for a few hours, but luckily i don't feel like i have to eat all the time.

AND i have been working out every day (except sat.) for a whole week! it is still challenging in that sparrow usually notices when i get up, so it is a toss-up whether it will be worth it for me to wake up at 5 am or not. i admit i get crazy frustrated when i've planned to wake up at 5 and then she wakes up too, and cries at me! luckily she's been going back to sleep... usually. sunday she didn't, but i insisted on doing an hour of exercise after breakfast, and she just played happily and quietly without whining the whole time! that is seriously a miracle for her. i was so pleased.

i have still been doing melissa's pilates dvd mostly; i really really enjoy doing that in the quiet of the peaceful morning living room when the sky is just beginning to lighten outside. it is the "10-minute solution pilates" dvd and i LOVE it. it is challenging and moves fast enough so you don't get bored. plus, the 10-min. segments really make it more interesting.

i also got a "15 minutes to fit" dvd for pregnant mothers--it was like $3 on amazon! the only one on my long wishlist that i could afford. when i did that one for the first time, i thought the exercises were sooo easy, and i was a bit disappointed. best stick with regular pilates! BUT today i am SO sore--pecs, arms, legs, butt--that i guess it was working after all! hahaha. this is good. i thought i was going to have to try to scrape together money from somewhere for a gym membership--ideally, a gym with a pool and with childcare. i wanted it so bad! when i was pregnant with sparrow i went swimming 3x per week or more during my last trimester, and i really feel it helped me to be more fit afterward, lose the weight faster, etc. but i've found out i am quite happy doing pilates videos! (but you've gotta find the right tapes. the one i was using during my 1st pregnancy before the pool membership was soooo easy and sooo boring, i now realize!) also, maybe it is a blessing in disguise that i can't pay for the pool this time. i realized later how much chlorine they put into that water, and how bad for you it really is! it absorbs into your skin and into the bloodstream, and is not even filtered out by kidneys or liver, as when you eat or drink! see more on that here: http://www.pacifichealthcenter.com/updates/50.asp
and here:
http://www.science-writing.org/id75.html

but back to exercise: some books will tell you ('girlfriend's guide to pregnancy') that there is no point in exercising during pregnancy since you can't go all out. the idea is that "moderate" exercise doesn't do much anyways, and besides, the only exercising that will help you in labor is something that will tone your uterus, and there are no exercises for that, so just do your kegels and don't bother with the rest. however, the logic of that is way off. what about all the other benefits of exercise? even if it isn't the kind that will burn a lot of fat, it will help improve posture, circulation, digestion, muscle tone, and--VERY important for pregnancy--energy, and endurance. the endurance was a big thing for me to work toward the first time around. you have no idea how long your labor will be, and what if you are not used to any physical strain; you have just let yourself get lazy and comfortable for 9 months? sure, the birthing hormones will kick in to help--IF your birth is unmedicated--but say your labor is 24 hours? or 44? or 72? or--as in barbie's case--13 days!???!!? hm. methinks it would be better to have built up good endurance, at least!

this time around i am really stoked on the energy/renewing qualities of exercise. rod (the boss) has said with great ardor, that exercise "improves quality of life IMMENSELY!" and i was feeling schlumpy, tired, and guilty when he said it, so tuned him out a bit, but i guess it stuck with me, and now i fully agree! i have found that my naps are shorter and i get up out of them easier, i don't feel like i need caffeine in the afternoons, and i have reduced my morning cup of tea from 2 teabags to 1. (yes, i had started on the caffeine again...of course!) i also hear that exercising can help reduce the back pain that kicks in during pregnancy, and i think i have noticed that too, although i am still a bit under the shadow if sciatica. ah, and tracy schmidt (one of my top real-life heroes) says that a good birth experience is a 3 legged stool, the 3 legs being good personal support, good nutrition, and good exercise.

oh and not to speak of the perceived benefits! as soon as i start exercising, i look in the mirror the next day and already think i notice my hips have shrunk. or i feel my bum and think it is tighter. etc. etc. obviously it could not work that fast. but it does make you think so! hahaha, and here's one more benefit: it improves your resolve to eat well! i was seriously eating so much cake and bread and cookies and ice cream for the 1st 3 plus months that it became a vicious cycle: oh well, one more piece of cake won't matter. i had one yesterday, i might as well eat another. really! then i finally told myself, ok, i won't stop making myself eat cake every day, but i at LEAST have to exercise! no more desserts until i start exercising! but then naturally, what happens when you start exercising? you want to fuel your body with good things like quinoa and bananas in the morning, and not ruin your hard work by eating chocolate ganache! i still let myself eat it sometimes, but mostly i just don't want to! yaaaaaaaay.

so i encourage all you preggies out there to exercise. even if you have to get up at 5 and stealthily slip out so your other kids don't notice you are leaving them. pilates at home is a great, free, and time efficient way of exercising, faster than walking and can still get your heart rate up, and certainly more time efficient than the gym. if you CAN afford a gym count yourself blessed.

i heart wine

one of my most looked-forward to things after i give birth is: wine. mmmmmm.

in september i will for sure be hosting a wine/beer/holy tea party for all the new mommies.

i confess i still drink it a little. i have heard from several doctors that it is ok to drink a glass even while pregnant. i definitely stay away from the hard liquor, though, and i must confess that drinking a little is almost worse than drinking none, because if it is good wine, then you want more, but then you really really have to deny yourself.

so while i am on wine parole, i will write a bit about it to keep myself at bay. let me start a list of our favorite wines. it seems that every time we are at trader joe's with an extra few dollars, we forget which kinds we have tried and liked--or not. i know two offhand, though, that i have found excellent on the palate:

ravenswood -zinfandel (that brand is actually consistently good and affordable)
smoking loon -syrah (that was the first time i had syrah, i think--yum!)

anyway, i am not a true wine connoisseur yet. i cannot describe it with the savvy and vocab that i have acquired for coffee. (light tannins? i am lost.) it seems like i find a type of wine that i like, merlot, for example, and then all i buy for awhile is merlot. then i hit a bad merlot. must be the brand, but you'd think...? my conclusion is that good wine has a LOT more to do with the manufacturer than the name of the grape.

ps- wine has tons of antioxidants, and the french, for all their faults drink a lot of it, and consequently live longer, even though they eat butter on everything! (just like me!) americans have an unhealthy fear of fat. i could write more on that. but later.

sparrow's funniness never ceases

new quotes by baby:

"i made a poop." (feb. 10th) so proud that she can tell me now. still trying to get her to tell me BEFORE she does it!

"daddy is wake-upping." (feb. 10th)

"i bonked the chin." (feb. 10th)

now she answers her self when she asks to watch a movie.
"watch a movie? ...maybe after put da clothes on."
"maybe after kitchen."
"maybe after food."

(drawing)
"i made a sheepy. sheepy's crying. sheepy's cold."
"i made a baby. tiny eyes, tiny nose."
"squiggly lines." (feb. 11th)
i swear, after trying SO hard not to expose her to the detrimental effects of people drawing cutesy pictures for her, she is now already labeling her drawings as sheepies and babies. cute, but bummer. i don't want her to have those kinds of expectations and boxes around her art already. she is supposed to be free to just practice kinetic scribbling until age 3 or so. well, i will do my best to continue with free-art style encouragement!

oh hah, this is a funny one: she pooped, then smelled it, then said,
"mommy pooted." (feb. 11)

me: "sparrow, do we throw our silverware on the floor?"
sp: "yes, mama!" (feb. 17)
hahahhaa! just like a good little girl!

me: "sparrow, where are your socks?"
sp: "maybe in da living room." (feb. 17)

"daddy wake up? no, daddy's still sleeping." (feb. 18th)

"i saw the noise!" (feb. 18th)

so yeah, she asks me about 50 times a day if she can watch a movie. this is how it goes: "mama?" "what." "watch a movie." it NEVER varies. ALL the time. even right after she watches one.
the worst was, one day she WAS watching one, and she asked me during the movie! hahahahaaaaaa
the best one was one night when she was about to go to sleep: (feb. 23)
"mama?" "what." "...i love you."
aaaaaah! sigh. what did you say? it must have been the first time she said that to me without me saying it to her first! these are the best things in life. see? there ARE benefits to parenting your toddler to bed! must keep that in mind.

we are out on the balcony watching to lunar eclipse, and someone walks by downstairs. sparrow says, "there's a people!" (feb. 21)

so one day she wakes up from her nap and alan is out in the living room vacuuming. the first thing she says in her blurry sleepy voice is, "mama, alan's cleaning the crummies." (feb. 23)

sparrow listening to thomas' morning noises. bathroom clatter:
"daddy's coming!" then, "daddy had to spit." (feb. 25)

"i heard a train, mama!" (feb. 24)
that was the first time she used "heard" for hearing something instead of "saw." usually when she hears a hawk outside, for example, she says, "i saw a hawk!"

she is getting really good at "mine" and "yours," she knows to say, "this is yours," or "this is mama's," etc.

the other week, i swear she used a past tense, it was astounding! she says, "help mama, i stucked!" (she usu. says "stucked" for stuck. if she gets her foot stuck she says, "i stucked it.") so i walk over from the kitchen to see if she is stuck. but apparently she has loosed herself cuz she's just lying on the floor. i say, "you're not stuck!" and she says to me, "i WAS stuck."

so i know that those child development standards "where your child is supposed to be at what age" guides are dumbed down, but come on, do they really think that a kid who is almost three is supposed to be saying two to three word sentences? i swear that is what one dad told me the other day. hm. if my not-yet-two year-old can change "i'm stucked" to "i was stuck" in the correct context, those things are REALLY dumbed down. just like "no child left behind," eh? let's make EVERYONE seem equally unintelligent! that way the truly unintelligent ones can feel good about themselves! i smell democrats at work here.

why i need therapy

money depression really hits me every once in awhile. i want to stay in bed and wallow and cry. much of life financially isn't turning out the way i just always assumed it would, and i didn't even realize i had these assumptions til they started rearing their ugly heads in the face of the reality of how life is winding up. i remember once saying as a child, disgusted with the attitudes of the rich, "i want to be poor when i grow up!" what was i thinking. right here and now i'd like to revoke that statement. a biblical view is, after all, "give me neither poverty nor riches." the beauty, and the hardest part of it, is that i am inextricably tied to my husband on our financial fate. on the one hand, there is nothing i can do, and i should rest in the Lord and be cheerful, doing my part well. on the other hand, i writhe in the age-old eve complex of wishing that i could do it myself; i would get my masters, i would start a business, i would teach at a university, i would move someplace cheap... i think to myself that one of the main lessons i will teach my kids is that having money is not about things. it is about having options. when you are scraping to survive, scraping to sell things just so you can pay the next bill, you are not in a place to be free. you are limited in what you can give to others, your energies spent on worrying about how to pay for your cavity. you can't stay in shape as well, being unable to afford gym or childcare. you can't take classes to expand your skills and views, you can't travel and see the other perspectives of God's creation. you are too weary from the everyday to create art or write or research or listen to music to stir the soul... in these musings of course i become profoundly unhappy. i am meant to learn to trust that God is telling and teaching my husband exactly what to do for us; do i not see that they spend a lot of time together, that he wrestles with these issues every day? good thing i don't have too much extra time to wallow, there is a little girl jumping on me with boogers in her nose, a matted nest of fine hair, and a great big smile saying "i woke up!" luxury of feeling sorry for myself temporarily on hold.

the ocean is my therapy. God meant it to be better than man's wisdom. he meant it to be a warm day today so i could take my toddler imp of a daughter out into the sun to stare at the sand and the big blue for an hour. i always feel that if we are GOING to pay (our lifeblood) to live in this ridiculous place, i have to take advantage of the ocean, at least! i go there every chance i get. my outlook on life sure is a lot better when i am looking at all that beauty with an iced coffee in my hand. there it is--the mighty footprint of God himself. a constantly moving canvas, which he stretches here and there in never twice-same patterns day after day, month after month. smell the salt, feel the sand, hear the voice of those continuous washings and breakings, and feel yourself small in the vastness of his presence. like little Job when he realized God's sole purpose was not to make him comfortable in this life. "where were you when i created this?" breathe. you will soon be away from this inkblot life and your whining won't matter to you or to anyone else then.

i am also reminded of what i read today, that the Lord promised the israelites to increase the produce of each sixth year (before jubilee) to last 2 years until the harvest of the 9th year. the Lord calls the seventh year JUBILEE, where they are not to harvest, not to sow... and he tells them He will provide. but had i been there, i would have seen it as a stagnant year, unproductive, i would have wanted to harvest at least the aftergrowth, and to make sure we had enough for our family the following season. i would have gone crazy with worry and inability to rest... note that the Bible even says of jubilee, "you can eat old food..." until the following harvest! the Lord has always been the same. he tells them to sit back for awhile and enjoy ea. other and enjoy his presence, and let new things develop while the land lies fallow. he tells them they can eat old food, it will be good enough, as his purposes are much greater than food. here they are, eating old food and told to wait, not to work their fields for a whole year, and God gives the whole shaky deal this amazing, exuberant name: jubilee. rejoice! party! celebrate me! focus on deeper things! be good to one another! wait on the Lord and see what He will do! hmmm, yes, he's always been the same.

so i breathe in the ocean warmth and sun and feel myself simple and small in the face of the supernatural things i am being told. and i realize another thing: yeah, i could have had money. i could be in colorado right now with a masters, a mortgage, and a great job. or anywhere. i could have chosen anywhere. and i would be alone. even if i had someone, i would, i KNOW i would always be wondering what could have happened between me and that guy... the one i fell head over heels in love with when i wasn't supposed to, but i did the right thing and walked away... i would be longing for him even now. but no! God lets the best dreams come true sometimes. i married him! i found the good thing and i got to keep it! i get to carry his children and kiss him every day. i promise, i promise, Lord, i will not let satan lie to me and steal my joy in what you have done for me. i will eat my old food in faith and look to you with jubilee in my heart.

"The Lord sustains all who fall
and raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes if all look to you,
and you give them their food in due time.
You open your hand
and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The Lord is righteous in all His ways
and kind in all his deeds.
The Lord is near to all who call upon him,
to all who call upon him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear him;
He will also hear their cry and will save them.
The Lord keeps all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy (be gone, Satan!)
My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,
and all flesh will bless his holy name forever and ever."
Psalm 145:14-21

the morning after

harahar, i did it!! ha! i got up at five thirty and did forty minutes of pilates! if i go to bed right now, maybe i can do it again tomorrow!