godliness with contentment

the things one stumbles upon in muddled early morning hours when the mind is not yet functioning, but somehow is best able to receive those still words from the other world... can be so new and fascinating. a big step of understanding taken, when my eyes are yet bleary from sleep and my brain still covered with dream-webs. and when i unearth these things, it is not as if i've never known it, it is more a recognition; things my spirit has known but my mind and body blocked out in the concreteness and constant clamoring of the five senses. not to mention the constant winds of culture and society, even the society of the church... the struggle now is to grasp it while it is at the surface, and keep it there to inform my LIFE, not merely my intellect. and my key word that morning was: contentment.

1 timothy 6:6 "but godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment."

it wasn't just that morning. God has really been bringing me on a journey of knowing contentment for several years. i suppose if i were He, i would have thought to do it by giving me my heart's desires: steady income, plenty of new clothes to wear, and a place to grow a garden. but He hasn't gone about it that way; on the contrary, He has been taking the hope of these things away more and more, little by little. and little by little i am learning to trust Him, and getting happier. what a lesson for parenting: fostering contentment not by coddling, or the giving in to desires, but by persistent love and communication, and by making things more minimal.

but what struck me about this verse was the way that contentment seemed to be presented as a prerequisite to godliness, or if not a prerequisite, the key to unlocking the treasures of godliness. if godliness is a means of gain to a person when accompanied by contentment, can it be concluded that godliness without contentment is of little gain? i looked around me and saw a generation of Christians, dedicated to seeking godliness yet without peace. committed to church, having fun in fellowship, serving in projects, but tossed to and fro yet by the world's lusts, the world's entertainment, and the world's attitudes. by their feelings and desires. WHY does a Christian look no different? WHERE are the soldiers for God's end-time army? why is all this godliness of such little gain? contentment, He whispered. the key is contentment. and how does one become content? how did i? by surrender. a giving up of dreams, of self, time, energy, future, desires, and demands. if you sink into the ocean, the waters are peaceful below. the world is clamoring so loudly that the message of self-sacrifice is harder and harder to translate. people tell you not to lose yourself, to take time for yourself, do something you want to do. but Jesus said that in losing your life you will find it. for me that means being ok with being frumpy sometimes. not keeping up with fashion as i would like. not watching movies i would like to. biting my tongue when i am tired and feel overburdened and snappy. even biting my tongue when i know i am justified, logical, or righteous.

for me, this surrender did have a lot to do with discovering the ancient paths, "returning" to a new culture unlocked in the Word. Jeremiah 6:16 says, "Thus says the LORD,'Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths,where the good way is, and walk in it;And you will find rest for your souls.But they said, 'We will not walk in it.' " how peaceful i have felt this past year as i have begun to learn to walk in it, to surrender to how the Lord made me; He has taught me to love and embrace motherhood, not just love my children while holding motherhood itself at arms' length. He has taught me the importance of my womb in my identity as a woman, also the preciousness of my words. my circumstances are no better than the ones i was clamoring to get out of and complaining about a year and two ago, but my heart...my heart is content. and i am confident that will unlock more and more of this kind of gain; heart and marrow, eternal vision, peace and freedom to live.

golden's words

golden is acquiring words at the pace of at least one per day now, and i am not too surprised that most of them are english. (today she kept saying "the butt! the butt!" after her bath.) but she has some good german ones going as well. she also does car sounds, airplanes, trains, animals, etc. on dec. 1st we were all amused before our naptime to observe her all alone in her crib doing a train sound to herself over and over: "tg-tg-tg-tg-tg hoo, hoo!" sparrow told me even today (jan. 3rd): "golden is really good at playing." yep! another thing i find so hilarious about her is that she says "the" (or "da") in front of many of her words. here is a list of as many words as i can remember that she can currently say.

pillow
dog
dress
cookie
sticker
the bite (when she's begging daddy for food)
down
balloon
moon
ball
the baby
cereal (unclearly, but i can still tell what she's saying)
hide
hider (what they call the sun shades for the car window)
soup (pronounced "doup!")
chips (pronounced "dipsh")
book
the car
night-night
chair
up-up-up (when she wants up)
all right! & let's go! & hey hey! (when we're singing the dora the explorer song)
let's go (when she wants to leave)
the bird
boots (as in, the monkey from d. the explorer)
snack
knock knock (pronounced "na-nack.")
jeans
sparrow
off (esp. when she wants me to take her shoes or socks off)
pray
park


german:
decke (blanket) (pronounced by golden "dagacka")
mehr (more)
baer (bear)
schuh (shoe)
baum (tree)
nass (wet)
nase (nose)
hase (rabbit)
brille (glasses)
tschuess (bye)
wasser (water)
tee (tea)
tuer (door)
laut (loud)
kacke (poop)
amen (amen)

golden also has several words that she consistently says in her very own way:
bambum (means "apple")
datadung (means "i want a drink of water")
gakung (means "uncle")
papo (means "opa," grandpa)

the other day i caught golden praying! she was looking at a little board book that has a song with written music on the last page. when she got to the last page, she leaned over the ottoman and the book, folded her hands, bowed her head, and did a little quiet mumbling to herself. then she straightened up and said "amen." i have no idea why that book compelled her to pray, but she seems to do it quite often when she looks at that one! maybe it's the music that reminds her of worship/devotion time? golden actually has been the one to remind us to pray at the table several times! suddenly she folds her hands or says "pray." so amazing how they can catch on so early!

december declarations

(looking out the car window)
"mom, maybe that bird gone astray." -dec. 2

"hey, look, there's a slave lion!" (it was a sphinx in a magazine. she didn't know what to call it, but made up the most logical name, from having seen 'the prince of egypt.')
"mom, stop pretending like you're the police." -dec. 6

(talking about going to see the snow)
"...and golden will hope that it's really warm, but it's COLD." -dec. 7

"i'll fought him!" (runs after Dad) -dec. 7

"you'll be dora and i'll be mary and golden will be ABC. but golden is already ABC." (don't ask me what she meant! -dec. 8

sp: "i'm squirting like a squirt-hog."
me: "what's a squirt-hog?"
sp: "it's a raccoon who squirts." -dec. 16

(singing to the tune of "o come let us adore Him")
"o come look at my paper, o come look at my paper!" -dec. 17

(singing her made-up christmas song)
"she held him close, she held him close, she held him close in her wraps...the song of a bird came to mary...and her tears came down and down and down..." -dec. 18

me: "where's the moon tonight?"
sp: "maybe it went out on a date. it's not in our country. maybe it went to school." -dec. 18

(building with blocks)
"look at these mistimulus buildings." (i think she meant 'mysterious' but she retained the word 'stimulus' from political radio from the car, no doubt!) -dec. 18

"let's hope the sun doesn't go down while we're taking a nap." -dec. 20

(telling a story)
"...and one day when he was going to the store, he realized that it was his birthday. and eyeore thought he was going to die when it was his birthday. but it wasn't a dying birthday, it was a happy christmas party birthday. 'happy christmas!' said everyone." -dec. 22

sp: "it's a digit in here!"
me: "what's a digit?"
sp: "a digit is a kind of place that we don't like." -dec. 26

me: "the pharaohs worshiped the sun, and the moon, water...things like that."
sp, mysteriously: "maybe they worshiped house." -dec. 30

"mom, some of the poop came out like frosting! wanna see?" (pointing excitedly behind her into the toilet) -dec. 30

a new one

the christmas craziness is over, the much loved, but dead and crackly tree which barely hung on, reluctantly absconded with and ornaments mostly put away. and here we are, left not with melancholy, but with freshness, newness. new year and a new child on the way.

christmas day the queasy and tired feeling began after our porkulous breakfast of pancakes and bacon. i thought for several days that it was only the effects of all the bad food we had eaten. but when i didn't want my coffee on sunday morning, i knew something was up. i also began craving potatoes that night, and didn't stop eating them through monday. i held off taking the test til tuesday morning, but on the 29th it became official, and we are overjoyed.

this pregnancy feels different already because i am different. i am happy and contented. i embrace it all as part of the blessed joy of using my body the way God intended. He wants to create LIFE in me! it is becoming more and more foreign to me how i could ever have been of the mindset of saying "no" to what God created me for. well, i have a womb, and why would i say to Him, "why did you make me this way?" everything's peaceful here then. we can do with less. we are His soldiers and He makes us strong. but we also have great expectations. and waterfalls of grace are pouring down as we humbly accept God's highest calling: the working out of His father heart and mother heart in us.

november funnies

ah! so much to write about! but putting together family christmas packages must trump blogging. for now, i give you...november funnies.

sparrow, getting up out of bed:
"my feet need a rest... from resting." -nov. 3

sp: "you sly old fox! she's a baby!"
me: "what? who's the sly old fox?"
sp: "golden."
me: "well then who's the baby?"
sp: "the sly old fox!" -nov. 3

"i like molasses! tastes like evergreen trees!" -nov. 11

"it smells like recycle inside my mouth." -nov. 13

"it smells really good inside my mouth. maybe some little someone is inside my mouth licking it." -nov. 13

me: "what starts with the letter H?"
sp: "hudo."
me: "hello? yes!"
sp: "no, hudo."
me: "hudo? yes, right! whatever hudo is, it starts with H."
sp: "hudo means that you are a ban-o. and bano means that that you are eating a brown banana and some white popcorn." -nov. 13

"my ball's name is 'be-calm-and-quiet-bebo.'" -nov. 14

sp: "let's make donuts!"
me: "um...i don't know how to make donuts. but i think it requires a lot of grease. i don't have a lot of grease."
sp: "how about our home will be filled with grease. and there's gonna be some on the top and on the middle and on the bottom, and then our house will be full of grease. and then we can fill our cups with grease." -nov. 18 (now doesn't that sound nice!)

sparrow has been drawing little creatures, i must scan some and post them soon, they are absolutely charming. they are just what most early "people drawings" look like: a single shape for torso and head, with features and limbs drawn in. i love them. the other day sparrow was working really hard on drawing her creatures and she was getting pretty frustrated with how the heads were not turning out perfectly circular. when she started to whimper, i asked her what was wrong, and she blurted out, "i--i'm only making lemons! i can only make stupid guys!" -nov. 18

singing many interesting made-up songs lately. one:
"let me go, let me go, let me go, oh beauty, oh beauty, oh beauty..." -nov. 18

"i like my lunch! glorious!" -nov. 18 (aw. that's the best compliment anyone ever paid me for boiled gnocci with ketchup!)

(after drinking water)
"some water is in my tummy! but pretty soon, when i grow up, i'm gonna have a baby in my tummy, and there will still be some water in there, and my baby will be swimming around." -nov. 18

me: "do you need a night-light?"
sp: "i need a daylight!" -nov. 25

mitchell leaves the house after retrieving his sunglasses.
sparrow leans close to me and whispers,
"mom, some people don't know that we aren't supposed to slam the door." (hahahahaha!) -nov. 30

a strange experience

poor sparrow (age 3 1/2) had the oddest experience yesterday, the kind that could stick in your memory and make you fearful of certain places/ people.

we were at stowe grove park around lunch time, when sparrow told me that she had to go #2. there is only a port-a-potty there, so i was hoping she could wait til we got home, but she had to go SO badly that she had to sit down in the sand while i went off to fetch her shoes across the playground. we had to remove her puffy princess dress before we went in, too, as i did not want potty germs smearing themselves on that mass of fabric... i left her dress outside on the bike rack.

the port-a-potty was out of seat covers, of course, but there was no way i could hold her hovering over the seat for that long, so she had to sit down on the seat. i had her hold on to me, though, instead of grabbing the seat with her hands, as there was no soap/water to wash with after. there we sat in that potty for AGES! it was a bountiful load, it kept on coming!

i stood there and listened to the sounds outside. birds chirping, golden playing with thomas, etc. then some new people were arriving at the park. i could hear talking, firm footsteps, and a strange shouting. i was wondering what these newcomers would think of the dress outside, when all of a sudden, someone tried the door. it was locked, but the door was RIPPED open, and there stood a very tall, red-haired, red-moustached man with a horrible, scary, angry expression on his face! he was shocked/disappointed to see us, made a disappointed sound, and then made the most horrifying angry grunt/shout as he SLAMMED the door back shut and proceeded to grunt and shout irately and unintelligibly outside the potty. he would not stop! i reached over and slid the lock back in place, realizing this was not a normally developed person. a woman's voice from outside said "sorry," and i tried to say "that's ok," but the damage was done. when i looked down at sparrow she was weeping in utter fear. i wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but it was hard trying to calm her down enough to get her to respond to my question of "are you all done?" i had to soothe her by telling her it was just an accident and that he just needed to go to the bathroom really bad. "it's alright. mommy's here. daddy's here. he didn't know you were in here." meanwhile the scary sounds kept coming from outside. finally she was able to tell me she was done, and we quickly finished. but by the time we emerged, the group had decided to go to the restrooms across the other side of the park, and were walking away at quite a distance now. i wished sparrow could have gotten a bit more closure. thomas wished so too, and took her to follow them, so that she could say hi at least, and i think he wanted to talk to the care giver too, to see if she could not have prevented her charge from ripping open a public restroom door... but they were already too far away for them to catch up easily. we talked about it with sparrow a little more, telling her that that man was just a little boy inside that could not express himself and was mad only because he had to go potty so badly. we prayed. thankfully the group came walking by again, and we encouraged sparrow to say hello, which she did. none of them heard her, but i was proud of her chipper voice and attitude.

i really hope this does not traumatize her experience of port-a-potties for the rest of her life, or makes her fearful of strangers, alone times, or interacting in public. i know my own skittish imagination could have run wild with that when i was younger, and the fear could have haunted me for years. so far we have not referred to the occurrence again, nor has she, thankfully.

when i got home, i decided to wash her bottom before her nap, just in case. there were blue splatters from the port-a-potty liquid chemicals ALL over her bottom and legs. gross! which is worse, getting traumatized for life, or getting some weird disease from port-a-potty juice?

october quotable

"i want it buttoned all the way because it's not fair to see my nakedness." -oct. 4

when i called sparrow "little miss chocolate," she said, "where's mr. chocolate? ...hey! maybe my baby brother will grow up, and then he'll be my size, and then he'll get some chocolate, and then he'll be mr. chocolate!" (where is this baby brother she's talking about?!) -oct. 4

(naming a new stuffed animal)
"her first name is meleusa and her middle name is gabzooga and her last name is star. and her very last name is chanca." -oct. 5

(we were making shepherd's pie that eve...)
"are we gonna put shepherds in the pie?" -oct. 6

me: "oh i know what we could have brought to class for C--a cross!"
sp, cheerfully: "we could bring a cross, to die on!" -oct. 8

sp: "i don't want the blanket to get poop on it."
me: "me neither. but it won't. we'll be careful."
sp singing: "oh be careful little blanket what you--get on yourself!" -oct. 9

"i love daddy, but i don't want him to wash my hair." -oct. 10

(talking about thanksgiving.)
sp: "and myself can come."
me: yourself? absolutely, yourself is one of the most important people that should be there, for me."
sp: "and for me." -oct. 15

"some people have to move somewhere where they can have christmas." -oct. 20

sp: "can i have the berries, mom?"
me: "no, they're for my wreath."
sp: "no, i mean for the owl to eat. the fake owl doesn't have any food. ...i guess he'll go out for bugs." -oct. 21

sp: "what did daddy say?"
me: "he said he was gonna do the dishes."
sp: "he's the best man for me ever." -oct. 21

sparrow had a booger on her finger. she held it up to the night light and said excitedly,
"warm it by the light! warm it by the light!" -oct. 21

sp: "i love to go to uncle's birthday, it's fun, and we're gonna have animal cake. we're gonna catch a zebra and put it in the cake."
me: "and what's gonna happen when we cut the cake?"
sp: "there's gonna be zebra pieces in the cake, like marshmallows." -oct. 23

"there's a loooooot of fairies in germany." -oct. 25

"am i ever gonna roll away to heaven?" -oct. 25

"mommy! i don't want to be all by myself with golden and God and the angels." -oct. 26

me: "i have an idea! we could make a lemonade stand and you could sell lemonade!"
sp: "i have an idea! i could sell sucking pigs and you could sell lemonade!" -oct. 27
(we had been reading "farmer boy" by laura ingalls wilder in the evenings)

golden: "bye bye, dad." -oct. 27 (first phrase!)
and "hi, mama." -oct. 28

(sparrow putting on her tiara)
"i'm gonna be the queen of helping."
and later,
"i'm gonna be the queen of not helping." -oct. 29

me: "what should we have for lunch?"
sp: "i'm gonna have apples and hot sauce." -oct. 29

"the mommy got some new children. and she switched her old ones to someone else." -oct. 29 (pretend playing with her teddy and other stuffed animals.)

"mom, are you gonna do the next thing?" -late oct.

sp: "are we gonna be sad?"
me: "no."
sp: "then why is it sadder-day?" -oct. 31

"this 'E' is the duck's uncle! his name is katie. ...he's a girl uncle." -oct. 31