Friday, September 26, 2008

feelings of evening

a rambling of some things i was feeling when we were putting the girls to bed/ praying. is it just a temp attack, or am i becoming somehow clinically depressed?

i am angry, irritated, or on edge most of the time. i hate the person that i am becoming. i hate that i snap and yell at sparrow so much instead of giving her sparkle and joy and song. i feel helpless in my circumstances. i feel lusterless. getting uglier. i hate that i slouch all the time, that i can't speak german. that we can't even go visit germany. i hate that i wasted away my whole interitance on everyday expenses. i hate that i haven't become a professional in anything, but am an amateur in many things. it is useless. i am afraid of profession. i feel fated and unsupported. frowny. cynical. unwilling to support my husband in his dreams. my own opportunity to work right now is next to nil. i know my job as a mother is immensely important, yet i feel like i am failing at even that. the one thing i have ample opportunity to do. so many other things i'd like to do but am crippled because of a lack of money or time. it's just not how i ever pictured my life. i feel like becoming a missionary, but only because it would give some meaning and honor to our poverty. i feel scatterbrained. unable to complete basic tasks, like vaccuuming. all day i spend trying to just barely keep the house in a semblance of livability, but while i wash dishes, sparrow is ripping up and strewing paper everywhere (for example). then i spend the next 10 mins. cleaning that up but get interrupted cause she has to go poo and needs me to sit there with her for 15 minutes while it comes out, then it takes me 5 to 10 mins. to finally get her to put her panties back on, then while i am cleaning her potty she dumps out her toys and comes into the bedroom shaking a loud rattle which makes the baby wake up and now it is noon and i haven't even showered yet. i get so frustrated. i am graceless. i feel like i spend my whole day trying to minimize fallout from hurricane sparrow and never have time to really clean anything thoroughly. anal. never able to think and do a task at the same time. lazy. unresearched. opinionated but unexcited. apprehensive of the future. self-cursed. pessimistic. losing hope for change. a permanent drain on society. a constant burden to my friends. charity case. i'd like to be the one who has money to give. the one extending blessing to others. but all i do is complain (even now) and batter friends with my issues and opinions. i feel stuck. wishing to find the reason but unable to sort through the chaos. unable to keep a schedule. unable to formulate goals. indecisive. i feel no clarity in my mind or life yet don't know what i've done to cause this.

these little people are gonna grow up to be my strong daughters. let me be a person of substance, Lord. make me like steel, nay, like gold. pliable, beautiful.


josephjen said...

doris...i hear you. i can feel the pain and the hopelessness in your words. even though i'm in a different circumstance, many of your "one liners" fit my heart too. full of passion with no purpose...lost. again, i hear you...just so you know your words aren't just sitting out there in cyberspace. we should get together :)

lizandmitchellgreene said...

mitchell and i just read this last entry over an afternoon snack and he is sitting next me me now fighting back tears because his heart so resonates with your lament. he wanted me to tell you that he feels like he is in the same boat most of the time and is thankful for your "psalm." he can so relate to feeling like a charity case. and we BOTH wanted to tell you that you ARE a strong woman, and undeniably so. you ARE beautiful (prime stock!). you DO and will continue to respect and support your husband no matter what. you ARE a woman of substance. you WILL teach your daughters german. and your voice IS heard by our father. if this is a cry of depression, it is no less the cry of the christian life.
you are faithful.
and looked up to.
and loved.
-the greenes

p.s. welcome to psalm 151.

Doris M McDonnell said...

wow. people have been so compassionate about my whining! honestly i have the BEST friends.

The Fredricksons said...

Seriously though Doris...this sounds like my journal entry the other night. I am seriously in that same spot, except for change Germany to Colorado and I don't have my second child yet, but the second one is taking a toll on me. Anyways...i hear you completely. Something is in the air, because I am so depressed lately. I love you, admire you, and think you are incredible!!!

Doris M McDonnell said...

i am so happy to say that i have been out of this slump for a long time. i am learning to go to the foot of the cross for strength. i can see that God is sanctifying me! i have studied up on the origin of and purpose of motherhood, and have become totally fired up in that area. i now LOVE motherhood itself! i always loved my children, but now i also love motherhood, and i praise God for his faithfulness to me and for all my kind, kind friends.