a rambling of some things i was feeling when we were putting the girls to bed/ praying. is it just a temp attack, or am i becoming somehow clinically depressed?
i am angry, irritated, or on edge most of the time. i hate the person that i am becoming. i hate that i snap and yell at sparrow so much instead of giving her sparkle and joy and song. i feel helpless in my circumstances. i feel lusterless. getting uglier. i hate that i slouch all the time, that i can't speak german. that we can't even go visit germany. i hate that i wasted away my whole interitance on everyday expenses. i hate that i haven't become a professional in anything, but am an amateur in many things. it is useless. i am afraid of profession. i feel fated and unsupported. frowny. cynical. unwilling to support my husband in his dreams. my own opportunity to work right now is next to nil. i know my job as a mother is immensely important, yet i feel like i am failing at even that. the one thing i have ample opportunity to do. so many other things i'd like to do but am crippled because of a lack of money or time. it's just not how i ever pictured my life. i feel like becoming a missionary, but only because it would give some meaning and honor to our poverty. i feel scatterbrained. unable to complete basic tasks, like vaccuuming. all day i spend trying to just barely keep the house in a semblance of livability, but while i wash dishes, sparrow is ripping up and strewing paper everywhere (for example). then i spend the next 10 mins. cleaning that up but get interrupted cause she has to go poo and needs me to sit there with her for 15 minutes while it comes out, then it takes me 5 to 10 mins. to finally get her to put her panties back on, then while i am cleaning her potty she dumps out her toys and comes into the bedroom shaking a loud rattle which makes the baby wake up and now it is noon and i haven't even showered yet. i get so frustrated. i am graceless. i feel like i spend my whole day trying to minimize fallout from hurricane sparrow and never have time to really clean anything thoroughly. anal. never able to think and do a task at the same time. lazy. unresearched. opinionated but unexcited. apprehensive of the future. self-cursed. pessimistic. losing hope for change. a permanent drain on society. a constant burden to my friends. charity case. i'd like to be the one who has money to give. the one extending blessing to others. but all i do is complain (even now) and batter friends with my issues and opinions. i feel stuck. wishing to find the reason but unable to sort through the chaos. unable to keep a schedule. unable to formulate goals. indecisive. i feel no clarity in my mind or life yet don't know what i've done to cause this.
these little people are gonna grow up to be my strong daughters. let me be a person of substance, Lord. make me like steel, nay, like gold. pliable, beautiful.