Friday, March 28, 2008

pregnancy journal entry 6

...and it's a girl. yes! you see, my scientific calculations were correct (ovulation time + time of "encounter" = sex of child). but i must admit, it was still a lot more of a shock than i thought it would be! hahahaha! sigh. i suppose that the pressure to have male offspring is just very tangible to me. i am still getting used to the idea that i will be THAT person: the mom with 2 daughters. and i KNOW it will be best for sparrow to have a sister, and that i LOVE girl babies--so sweet--and this is why i feel guilty that i am a bit in shock. hah. really, it's not like we are planning on stopping, either, i have NEVER thought i would stop at 2 kids, never! 3 is my bare minimum. i think, though, since i was planning to lay off the childbearing for a few years to take a break--provided this one was a boy--i now feel the weight of just--being pregnant. that i will be doing this again soon: it's such a process; you have to invest the time, the energy, the money to be pregnant and have babies. i just pray every day that our financial situation will get better; i long for a home of our own; it just feels like a lot of stresses became more acute with this announcement, and that doesn't even make a lot of sense, does it? nor is it fair to little segundo (segunda!) in here, but i really feel it at the moment.

but that aside, isn't she adorable!? i am so excited to see how she will turn out--will she be a little blondie, like me, again? or have a shock of black hair like thomas? eyes? features? will she be a roly poly one or long and lean like sparrow? and how will she act and sleep and eat and laugh, etc.? it is almost unbelievable that we have a whole other child in there at all, as our days have been filled to the brim with our 1st baby: eating, drinking sparrowness from morning til next morning and memorizing her every nuance. wow, and now: baby. you should have seen that heart beating yesterday, so strong and loud, it was pulsating with purpose, one of the most poetically gorgeous things i have ever seen. i also got to see her lift her hand up to her face, she was moving, really moving! and she moves a lot! i feel her all the time. note, too, that she is "supposed" to weigh about 9 ounces, according to my pregnancy site, but based on the ultrasound, she weighs 14! alright! go segunda! (i have been referring to baby as "segundo" for a few weeks now, tired of continually calling it a he/she, and not until after i employed this apt name, did i realize that sparrow rhymes with primero! hahahaha observe my latent genius...)

"i guess we can't name her youngblood," i said to thomas as we walked up the stairs to our car after the appointment. no, our youngblood will have to wait. which i sense is just how it's supposed to be, pressure of male offspring or not! on top of that, i was myself the second girl, and if my parents wished me to be a boy, i never felt it, i never thought about it...until just a few weeks ago. so they did a great job of loving me. or else i was just so absorbed in ME that i had no time to think about whether they would have preferred a manchild, haha! this baby is also exactly the same amount younger than sparrow (2 years, 3 months) as i am than my sister, which is quite the special thing to endear her to me: little doris... and i pray every day that they will be best friends.

but this girl, i am sure she will surprise us in so many ways! i will smell her newborn hair and revel in the mystery that God has given me love, knowing that i am chosen to squeeze and love and want her. when the nurse asked me at my last appointment if this had been an unplanned pregnancy, i was taken aback: "no!" then realizing we had just been talking about our less than ideal financial situation, i said again, "no, ...i guess we're just optimistic."

1 comment:

merochan said...

I am really happy for you both! 2 girls!!! 2 GIRLS!!! You should feel over joyed! Here in Japan its a huge crisis of infertility. Many couples would love to have babies but wether its the stress, the smoking, the onsens, etc infertility is pretty darn high here. It's really effeting the economy. You guys are sooooo lucky! YOur youngblood will come soon enough. Be faithful to the Lord and He will take care of the rest. He will take care of you. I love you guys and your faith really amazes me! I pray that my faith will be as big as your someday.

Blessings and congradulations!!! It's a girl! What a reason to celebrate. (hee hee. . if my parents hadnt wanted another girl I wouldnt be here sooooooo I'm glad for 2 girls!)

love you all!! All 4 of you!