Friday, March 28, 2008
pregnancy journal entry 6
...and it's a girl. yes! you see, my scientific calculations were correct (ovulation time + time of "encounter" = sex of child). but i must admit, it was still a lot more of a shock than i thought it would be! hahahaha! sigh. i suppose that the pressure to have male offspring is just very tangible to me. i am still getting used to the idea that i will be THAT person: the mom with 2 daughters. and i KNOW it will be best for sparrow to have a sister, and that i LOVE girl babies--so sweet--and this is why i feel guilty that i am a bit in shock. hah. really, it's not like we are planning on stopping, either, i have NEVER thought i would stop at 2 kids, never! 3 is my bare minimum. i think, though, since i was planning to lay off the childbearing for a few years to take a break--provided this one was a boy--i now feel the weight of just--being pregnant. that i will be doing this again soon: it's such a process; you have to invest the time, the energy, the money to be pregnant and have babies. i just pray every day that our financial situation will get better; i long for a home of our own; it just feels like a lot of stresses became more acute with this announcement, and that doesn't even make a lot of sense, does it? nor is it fair to little segundo (segunda!) in here, but i really feel it at the moment.
but that aside, isn't she adorable!? i am so excited to see how she will turn out--will she be a little blondie, like me, again? or have a shock of black hair like thomas? eyes? features? will she be a roly poly one or long and lean like sparrow? and how will she act and sleep and eat and laugh, etc.? it is almost unbelievable that we have a whole other child in there at all, as our days have been filled to the brim with our 1st baby: eating, drinking sparrowness from morning til next morning and memorizing her every nuance. wow, and now: baby. you should have seen that heart beating yesterday, so strong and loud, it was pulsating with purpose, one of the most poetically gorgeous things i have ever seen. i also got to see her lift her hand up to her face, she was moving, really moving! and she moves a lot! i feel her all the time. note, too, that she is "supposed" to weigh about 9 ounces, according to my pregnancy site, but based on the ultrasound, she weighs 14! alright! go segunda! (i have been referring to baby as "segundo" for a few weeks now, tired of continually calling it a he/she, and not until after i employed this apt name, did i realize that sparrow rhymes with primero! hahahaha observe my latent genius...)
"i guess we can't name her youngblood," i said to thomas as we walked up the stairs to our car after the appointment. no, our youngblood will have to wait. which i sense is just how it's supposed to be, pressure of male offspring or not! on top of that, i was myself the second girl, and if my parents wished me to be a boy, i never felt it, i never thought about it...until just a few weeks ago. so they did a great job of loving me. or else i was just so absorbed in ME that i had no time to think about whether they would have preferred a manchild, haha! this baby is also exactly the same amount younger than sparrow (2 years, 3 months) as i am than my sister, which is quite the special thing to endear her to me: little doris... and i pray every day that they will be best friends.
but this girl, i am sure she will surprise us in so many ways! i will smell her newborn hair and revel in the mystery that God has given me love, knowing that i am chosen to squeeze and love and want her. when the nurse asked me at my last appointment if this had been an unplanned pregnancy, i was taken aback: "no!" then realizing we had just been talking about our less than ideal financial situation, i said again, "no, ...i guess we're just optimistic."