faster than falling

i dreamed that an israeli family was staying with us in a horribly cluttered apartment. a specific family that i have actually met in real life.

i dreamed that i was running around in a shopping/restaurant area close to a beach, trying to find my backpack that i had left at an outdoor restaurant table because someone malicious was out to get it, or me...

there was a building with some sort of balcony. it was three stories tall. i went up into the building. i met some amazing and knowledgeable professor or theologian or writer that i admired and he was telling me something very interesting. we were sitting at the edge of the balcony in this discussion, and there were two other guys behind us. suddenly one of them leaned over and pushed the professor off the balcony and tried to push me too. i somehow resisted and kicked him in the face so he fell off the balcony instead and died.

i ran away. i was trying to get to the elevator but when i went through the next door, there was the dead guy i had just kicked, standing there, trying to get into the elevator with me with his bruised head and limp limbs. i pushed him out of the way and closed the elevator door. the elevator said it had 20 floors, even though i knew there were only three. there were only two options. arrow up or arrow down. i wanted to go down so i pushed that one.

the elevator went down. then it started going faster and faster and faster. i had to hold on. i was having the awful falling feeling in the pit of my stomach. it was unbearable. it kept going down and it kept going faster. i was gripping a handle inside the elevator. it was going faster than falling. i couldn't handle the feeling anymore, it was physically frightening and horrible. i had to wake myself up. i started shaking my head. i woke up on my pillow with a fog in my head and the stomach crunching finally faded.

a naptime dream, no less. i can't figure out all the pieces. it was definitely some sort of spiritual oppression. the past two weeks have been more bare than usual in our house. we are being broken down piece by piece.

there is bad news after bad news and the girls are sick, it really does pour. we pray, we worship, i do feel like i am losing hope some days though. there is nothing to do but to press in to God.