now that i have quit my job working for rod (the most interesting boss, no doubt, i will ever lay claim to), my life is once again a domestic bliss punctuated by social events. and wine. "she does enjoy a sherry if you know what i mean." no, no, i really only use sherry to cook, but i watched "miss pettigrew lives for a day" last night, and incorporating movie quotes into my life was always one of my greatest strengths. does anyone remember this? i think it got so out of hand at one point that 50% of everything i said to anyone was straight movie quotes. i really SO rarely watch movies anymore, reason being: parenthood. but it's more complex than having less time on my hands to entertain myself. i suppose that compared to the intense, gritty joy of parenthood, most movies are basically crap and not worth watching. ESPECIALLY since you are spending two hours and some amount of money. i mean, we used to watch movies every single night in college, and go to the m.theater at least once a week! (where i got the money for this sinful extravagance i can't tell you.)
so what are the social events that punctuate my life? baby showers. wedding showers. weddings. house warming parties. birthdays. in little golden's four weeks of life she has been to many such events already, when babies should technically stay at home for six weeks to build up their fragile immune systems. oh well. most of these things could really not be missed. my life sounds so frivolous when described this way, but what's key about social events is relationships. i LOVE my friends. but the older i get, the more i realize what an inconsiderate person i am. and i always come away from said events analyzing conversations i had, usually feeling awkward or remorseful about something that i said or didn't say to someone.
i really, really hate how i tend to especially judge people that have more money than me, that spend money on their hair or their babies or nice things for their lovely, private homes. i always think that these things are so trivial, that there are kids in africa that would kill to even have three meals a day, and here people are, spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on one silly oriental rug or a flashy engagement ring or a designer wedding gown or a snazzy stroller when a thrift store stroller would do just as well. but then i inevitably re-realize that the the only reason i am more "humble" than they is that God has forced humility on me by circumstance. not because i choose to spend my extra on starving children in the third world as opposed to curtains for my living room. i know i WOULD spend a ton of money, if i could, on west elm home decor, clothes from topshop.com, and a dang oriental rug, i suppose. but i can't. i've been wearing the same green gauchos and tank top every day since god was a boy and i suppose i will continue to wear them daily until someone else has pity on me and sends me on a shopping trip.
(this has happened to me at least twice. the most recent one was when rod looked over his occhiali designer glasses at me and scanned my frumpy blue sweater and greasy hair. then he slowly and deliberately got his wallet out of his pocket, got a credit card out of his wallet, and tossed it across the desk. "i want you to go out," he said, "and buy yourself...200 dollars worth of clothes. NOT food, not gas, not baby gear. clothes. you can give me back my credit card on friday." hm. boy did i have fun with that one.)
but anyways, part of me just really wants to chuck it all and move to mexico, ESPECIALLY if we ever end up having more than what we live on now. so that i would be kept in perspective about what it means to truly lack, and hopefully be able to make conservative choices in what i buy for myself, my home, or my kids. i have yet to see in santa barbara someone who lives far below their means so that they can donate the rest to the cause of the afflicted.
(next day)
yes, God has definitely chosen this simplicity for me. i thought of some more stuff i would spend money on if i weren't a financially struggling mother of two: i am probably one of those kinds of people who would have her eyeliner tattooed on! i have a hunch. but we'll never know for sure...unless i end up rich, of course. but by then i hope i'll know better than to be so vain. wait, is it vain or is it practical? my dad always said time is money, too, so adding up all the time i have spent over the years putting on eyeliner (ESPECIALLY attempting to perfect the art of liquid eyeliner!)... it could be a good investment! for the record, i now only wear eyeliner on special occasions. but here's a funny story: when i was in high school and first experimenting with makeup, i heard through the grapevine that my friend's mother had said at one point: "oh, here comes doris with her ten pounds of eyeliner!" hahahaha. not so now.
so it is for me simplicity by necessity. i am many things inside. i am just as much a city lady as i am a country lass. i am a fashion vixen and a fashion shunner. i am a martini girl and a granola girl. part of me wants to acquire, to live in a nice home, to travel around the country and the world, see it all and have it all. and part of me is a minimalist and a homebody, recognizing the ultimate importance of quiet time with family, and the frivolity of thinking anything truly enlightening can be found in the entertainment of globe trotting. "there is nothing new under the sun." nicely spoken by the wisest man that ever lived.
but i am sure, apart from the purely materialistic aspects of it, my other "selves" will get their outlet in heaven: my desire for a home, the draw to experience other cultures, etc. for now, i have one body and one life, and twenty seven years of it have already been spent. the past is a road that is deeply etched, not a fluid river, like the future. there was one way that my childhood happened, and it is past. one college education. done. one marriage. one definitive step into parenthood. it could have been so many different ways. but here i am with my humble life and i really don't think it's been a bad one! no matter what you live, humanity always clings to life. hope springs eternal, even for those that DO have horrible lives and no God. they usually find some hope in the fluidity of the future, to make them want to live on. this is one clear aspect of being made in the image of God. he, too, values life. even when the resemblance is only seen in our love for our own life.
but i am not only someone that has been. the ever passing present is also making me into someone more concrete, perhaps chiseling away at my "other selves" as i get used to what this life has been for me for so long: simple. i find myself making decisions now that i would not have made before. i got a used double stroller for my baby shower, for example. it is functional, but it is worn. i have gotten offers from people to buy me a new stroller or "anything i want" for the baby. but i have made the decision to stick with the old stroller. because i need to know that it is ok to stop competing, that useful things, and things i am immensely thankful for, can be old and sub-prime. IT'S O.K. i do NOT need the new, spiffy stroller. it is good for me, and it is good for my kids, to walk around in santa barbara amongst all the hot rich yoga-pant moms with their nimbus 2000's, so to speak, with our old, functional, loved, humble stuff. and our heads still held high with a smile. goodbye to my martini self, my bigcitynewyorkstilettoheelprofessionalwhitesuitedgroomed self. i can feel you fading more and more.
but will she make a comeback when i am older and my kids have left the nest??--i fear i may still turn into an old, lipsticked cougar!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
the good quotes keep rolling on
"i wanna hear the perfect little sound!" -mid-june
me: "i don't know where your binky is."
sp: "but can you go get it, though?" (such faith!) -mid-june
"mom! the tv is dacked up!" (jacked up) -june 23
"twinkle, twinkle, little bunch of stuff, how i wonder what you bunch of stuff." -june 26
me: "why are you crying? do you need help?"
sp: "no, i'm just carrying a whole bunch of heavy blocks." -june 27
"look, i pushed this little star into mama star!" -june 30, when she was playing with different-sized cookie cutters.
"my name is sparrow and i like to eat dinner!" -june 30
sparrow is loving sunday school which is great. her teacher's name is miss paula. one sunday (june 29) when i picked her up at sunday school, i learned that they had heard about paul and silas getting out of jail that day--how God broke the chains. sparrow told me earnestly before we left: "miss paula and silas broke the chains!!!"
(reading a nursery-rhyme based picture book)
me: "where is baby bunting? do you see baby bunting?"
sp: "baby bunting is in the lions' den!" -early july
(hahahaha--the basket with the baby is pictured in a stream, about to go under a bridge. she really really remembered the lesson about the lions' den from sunday school. in fact, she referred to the fox's hole in chicken little as the lions' den as well. she's such a funny one.)
"are you getting a special treat for me?" -july 1st
(singing) "i got a poopy, poopy, poopy poopy down in my heart." -july 1
(singing) "gracie got a booby, booby, booby, gracie got a booby all day long."
-july 6
(i was late getting somewhere and frustrated and speeding and mumbling about the idiocy of other drivers under my breath...) sparrow:
"mommy has to go faster!" -july 7
first thing in the morning, she said to me,
"what's YOUR name?" -july 7
"Psalm four three cow three B!" -july 8 (verse references can be confusing to 2-year-olds!)
"thank you for my mommy and my daddy and sparrow and the door"--pause--looks at me-- "you're gonna pray for the door!" -july 8
hahaha this is a good one: we were having a bunch of power outages during the fire and whenever the power would come back on one of the 1st things i would notice was the sound of the freezer so i would say "the freezer turned back on! that means we can check our email" well one of the times sparrow heard the freezer go on, and she says,
"Oh! the freezer turned back on! that means i can watch bear in the big blue house!" -july 8
"i wanna read animal pie soup! circus pie soup!" (the book was called alphabet soup.) -july 8
"i want some more johnny brown cake!" -july 8
"sparrow and mommy and daddy and jesus are going to peets!" -july 12
"thank you for deers and thank you for mosquitoes and thank you for my mommy and my daddy." -july 12
we are both going to the bathroom, sitting on our respective potties. sparrow gets up and comes over to me and sticks her face really close to mine and says earnestly, "mom, did baby sister come out?" -mid-july
(talking to my belly:)
"baby sister, auntie christy is coming to visit, did you know that?" -july 12
"baby sister, we're gonna read stories." -july 12
(super bummed that sparrow had pooped in her diaper during errands (again!) and REALLY not feeling up to changing her in the car)
me: "oh sparrow, you might have to wait cause... i just don't think i can handle it right now!"
sp: "you can't handle it, mom. let's just go outside and handle it, ok?" hahahaha! -july 13
me: "we're gonna do some laundry and eat some breakfast, and... what else are we gonna do today, sparrow?"
sp: "um...have a birthday party!" -july 17
"i'm not goofy! i'm named BABY SPARROW!" -july 18
july 14th or so she discovered a favorite new activity: pushing our heads together to make us kiss in the morning when i go to work and we are all saying goodbye. (one of us will be holding her.) she would never stop if we didn't tear ourselves away from her little grip on our necks!
"ein maedchen!" (in sing-songy voice, looking at her german book) (it means "a girl" in german, which i might have told her once or twice.) -july 18
"oh look at that blub blub fish! ... that catfish is doing an acrobat!" (pic of fish jumping out of the water) -july 22
(drawing) "look mom, i'm making a wormie!" -july 23
(still drawing)
sp: "can you draw on your present?"
me: "is that my present? thank you SO much!"
sp: "i'm gonna make another present." (keeps drawing.) -july 23
we were reading a book about cars. there is one page with an illustration of a "car" on the moon--some sort of vehicle with astronauts around it, and the page says "this car has no lights." sparrow looks at it for a second and says, "this man has no eyes." hahahahaha! they were wearing space suits with helmets of course! -july 26
we were singing "tomorrow" in the car and she adapted the words and started singing "in a minute! in a couple of days!..." -july 26
(talking to her stuffed animal)
"baby, would you like to sit on my lap? do you wanna look at the pictures? don't put your foot on it. don't." -july 27
"thank you for my mommy and my daddy and my vegetables and my food and salad and onions and amen." -july 31
"Night night, belly. night-night ta-tas. night night big belly." -july 31
she has also been praying nonsense words lately. praying in baby tongues, perhaps? we just kind of go with it and let her ramble.
(drawing)
"PA! i made a corner!" -aug. 2 (she is also calling me 'mother' sometimes now. HAH.)
(playing a game she calls "morning time/night time with liz koppa):
"it's morning time!!! ...uncle's still sleeping." -aug. 4
(i was talking to liz about her sunday school and how they are teaching them about God doing great miracles.) sparrow:
"God makes GREAT popsicles!" aug. 4
(to her dolly)
"i'm gonna put your clippy in your hair so you can be happy and eat your birthday cake, ok?" -aug. 9
she brought in her scissors and was wanting to cut everyone's hair: her doll's, mine, thomas'... (he actually let her cut off a tiny bit of his!) then she discovers thomas' leg hair and says,
"i'm gonna cut your feathers, ok?" -aug. 9
sparrow notices my after-birth belly and says,
"mom, are you gonna have another baby sister?" -aug. 11
but actually now that she realized she can sit on my lap again, she's been saying happily every night at reading time, "you don't have a big belly anymore!"
the other night, baby wakes up and is crying in the room where sparrow is also sleeping. i go to retrieve the baby, and sparrow says sleepily,
"she needs nu-nus!" (if she can know the baby's needs while she is half-asleep, i know she is much more aware than she lets on when she is pretending not to know something that we ask her to do!!!) -aug. 13
me: "sparrow, don't wake the baby."
sp: "i'm just saying hi to my Golden!" -aug. 13
(giving sparrow breast milk in a cup)
me: "i made it for you last night."
sp: "you made it for me when i was born." -aug. 13
(we saw a praying mantis outside in the hall that day)
me: "what did you see outside in the hall today?"
sp: "i did find a cricket salamander!"
me: "a cricket salamander? it's called a praying..."
sp: "a pringamander!!!!" -aug. 14
i was talking to melissa and alan about my labor and telling them about who all was here with me and how i was making a lot of noise or whatever. sparrow cuts in, "...and mommy was MOO-ing!" -aug. 14
me: "i don't know where your binky is."
sp: "but can you go get it, though?" (such faith!) -mid-june
"mom! the tv is dacked up!" (jacked up) -june 23
"twinkle, twinkle, little bunch of stuff, how i wonder what you bunch of stuff." -june 26
me: "why are you crying? do you need help?"
sp: "no, i'm just carrying a whole bunch of heavy blocks." -june 27
"look, i pushed this little star into mama star!" -june 30, when she was playing with different-sized cookie cutters.
"my name is sparrow and i like to eat dinner!" -june 30
sparrow is loving sunday school which is great. her teacher's name is miss paula. one sunday (june 29) when i picked her up at sunday school, i learned that they had heard about paul and silas getting out of jail that day--how God broke the chains. sparrow told me earnestly before we left: "miss paula and silas broke the chains!!!"
(reading a nursery-rhyme based picture book)
me: "where is baby bunting? do you see baby bunting?"
sp: "baby bunting is in the lions' den!" -early july
(hahahaha--the basket with the baby is pictured in a stream, about to go under a bridge. she really really remembered the lesson about the lions' den from sunday school. in fact, she referred to the fox's hole in chicken little as the lions' den as well. she's such a funny one.)
"are you getting a special treat for me?" -july 1st
(singing) "i got a poopy, poopy, poopy poopy down in my heart." -july 1
(singing) "gracie got a booby, booby, booby, gracie got a booby all day long."
-july 6
(i was late getting somewhere and frustrated and speeding and mumbling about the idiocy of other drivers under my breath...) sparrow:
"mommy has to go faster!" -july 7
first thing in the morning, she said to me,
"what's YOUR name?" -july 7
"Psalm four three cow three B!" -july 8 (verse references can be confusing to 2-year-olds!)
"thank you for my mommy and my daddy and sparrow and the door"--pause--looks at me-- "you're gonna pray for the door!" -july 8
hahaha this is a good one: we were having a bunch of power outages during the fire and whenever the power would come back on one of the 1st things i would notice was the sound of the freezer so i would say "the freezer turned back on! that means we can check our email" well one of the times sparrow heard the freezer go on, and she says,
"Oh! the freezer turned back on! that means i can watch bear in the big blue house!" -july 8
"i wanna read animal pie soup! circus pie soup!" (the book was called alphabet soup.) -july 8
"i want some more johnny brown cake!" -july 8
"sparrow and mommy and daddy and jesus are going to peets!" -july 12
"thank you for deers and thank you for mosquitoes and thank you for my mommy and my daddy." -july 12
we are both going to the bathroom, sitting on our respective potties. sparrow gets up and comes over to me and sticks her face really close to mine and says earnestly, "mom, did baby sister come out?" -mid-july
(talking to my belly:)
"baby sister, auntie christy is coming to visit, did you know that?" -july 12
"baby sister, we're gonna read stories." -july 12
(super bummed that sparrow had pooped in her diaper during errands (again!) and REALLY not feeling up to changing her in the car)
me: "oh sparrow, you might have to wait cause... i just don't think i can handle it right now!"
sp: "you can't handle it, mom. let's just go outside and handle it, ok?" hahahaha! -july 13
me: "we're gonna do some laundry and eat some breakfast, and... what else are we gonna do today, sparrow?"
sp: "um...have a birthday party!" -july 17
"i'm not goofy! i'm named BABY SPARROW!" -july 18
july 14th or so she discovered a favorite new activity: pushing our heads together to make us kiss in the morning when i go to work and we are all saying goodbye. (one of us will be holding her.) she would never stop if we didn't tear ourselves away from her little grip on our necks!
"ein maedchen!" (in sing-songy voice, looking at her german book) (it means "a girl" in german, which i might have told her once or twice.) -july 18
"oh look at that blub blub fish! ... that catfish is doing an acrobat!" (pic of fish jumping out of the water) -july 22
(drawing) "look mom, i'm making a wormie!" -july 23
(still drawing)
sp: "can you draw on your present?"
me: "is that my present? thank you SO much!"
sp: "i'm gonna make another present." (keeps drawing.) -july 23
we were reading a book about cars. there is one page with an illustration of a "car" on the moon--some sort of vehicle with astronauts around it, and the page says "this car has no lights." sparrow looks at it for a second and says, "this man has no eyes." hahahahaha! they were wearing space suits with helmets of course! -july 26
we were singing "tomorrow" in the car and she adapted the words and started singing "in a minute! in a couple of days!..." -july 26
(talking to her stuffed animal)
"baby, would you like to sit on my lap? do you wanna look at the pictures? don't put your foot on it. don't." -july 27
"thank you for my mommy and my daddy and my vegetables and my food and salad and onions and amen." -july 31
"Night night, belly. night-night ta-tas. night night big belly." -july 31
she has also been praying nonsense words lately. praying in baby tongues, perhaps? we just kind of go with it and let her ramble.
(drawing)
"PA! i made a corner!" -aug. 2 (she is also calling me 'mother' sometimes now. HAH.)
(playing a game she calls "morning time/night time with liz koppa):
"it's morning time!!! ...uncle's still sleeping." -aug. 4
(i was talking to liz about her sunday school and how they are teaching them about God doing great miracles.) sparrow:
"God makes GREAT popsicles!" aug. 4
(to her dolly)
"i'm gonna put your clippy in your hair so you can be happy and eat your birthday cake, ok?" -aug. 9
she brought in her scissors and was wanting to cut everyone's hair: her doll's, mine, thomas'... (he actually let her cut off a tiny bit of his!) then she discovers thomas' leg hair and says,
"i'm gonna cut your feathers, ok?" -aug. 9
sparrow notices my after-birth belly and says,
"mom, are you gonna have another baby sister?" -aug. 11
but actually now that she realized she can sit on my lap again, she's been saying happily every night at reading time, "you don't have a big belly anymore!"
the other night, baby wakes up and is crying in the room where sparrow is also sleeping. i go to retrieve the baby, and sparrow says sleepily,
"she needs nu-nus!" (if she can know the baby's needs while she is half-asleep, i know she is much more aware than she lets on when she is pretending not to know something that we ask her to do!!!) -aug. 13
me: "sparrow, don't wake the baby."
sp: "i'm just saying hi to my Golden!" -aug. 13
(giving sparrow breast milk in a cup)
me: "i made it for you last night."
sp: "you made it for me when i was born." -aug. 13
(we saw a praying mantis outside in the hall that day)
me: "what did you see outside in the hall today?"
sp: "i did find a cricket salamander!"
me: "a cricket salamander? it's called a praying..."
sp: "a pringamander!!!!" -aug. 14
i was talking to melissa and alan about my labor and telling them about who all was here with me and how i was making a lot of noise or whatever. sparrow cuts in, "...and mommy was MOO-ing!" -aug. 14
Friday, August 15, 2008
golden's birth
where to begin with the story of a new life, a new soul on the earth. i look into my baby's eyes and think, "hello, old soul." so tiny, yet the spirit inside is big, as big as it will ever be, and it is such a sacred and fear-inspiring task to be bringing up a new human, to be charged with introducing her to life and the world and to give her the tools that she needs to live it. with that, i am so pleased with how the birth process went and i think it will be a good little legend to start life with. so here are the details, Golden Maisie McDonnell, so that you can know exactly how it was, your arrival; and always remember that this is your story, deep within you and deep within me.
wednesday night, august 6th 2008 i stayed up til midnight with my sister talking about labor and birth. i had been experiencing a LOT of pre-labor in the weeks preceding, and i was reading a few good birth books. christy had just arrived from germany the night before, so we were getting to catch up a little, and i was sharing with her some interesting tidbits from "ina may gaskin's guide to childbirth." "are you scared?" she asked me at one point. scared? no. the time frame God has allotted to the gestation period is absolutely perfect and brilliant. by the end of the pregnancy, you are so ready for the baby to be OUT that you really don't care how the labor process will be. you just want to do it and get it over with. but beyond that, i felt really well prepared for this to happen, i had everything that i could control under control and a light enough attitude to expect the best from what i couldn't control. with that conversation, we said goodnight and went to bed. two hours and some minutes later, i was awakened by contractions.
i thought this might not be the real thing, as i had already had at least one night of some long and strong contractions in my sleep. however, something about the way these were feeling told me that i should at least get up and finish packing the birth bag. i was unsure about the validity of this labor start because with sparrow it had begun with a feeling of having to go pee, that was not at all relieved by peeing. only after this sensation had the contractions started with her. but this was already a steady pulsing of waves and i guess it was a little more intense than the previous few nights because after all it had woken me up and i couldn't go back to sleep with them. i called thomas. i told him this might be it but i would take a shower and have a little wine and then call him back in half an hour. a shower and wine is supposed to relax you enough to stop a false labor. besides, i knew if it was real i would have to shower now or never because i would hate to have to go to the hospital all greasy. and from experience, my labor wouldn't allow for too much time to shower. i also called jenna, my doula, and told her the same thing. but once in the shower i knew for sure. this was the real labor, it was happening now, and there was no turning back. i don't quite remember how i felt exactly, some sort of mixture between excitement and steady calm, i suppose.
when i got out i called back thomas, who said he would leave at once, and jenna, who promised the same. thomas was in san francisco in the middle of his first week of 3 weeks of feldenkrais training, and he told me he would hop on his motorcycle to get here asap as renting a car this time of night would be a little difficult. we were anticipating this kind of situation, so it wasn't the end of the world that he was gone and might not make it to the birth. that is why i had chosen a strong birth team: jenna humphreys is a doula-in-training who had introduced herself to me on the beach one day. then i had cybil gilbertson on my list, also training for doula stuff. holly lomelino who has had kids and knows what's up in the hospital and what i would and wouldn't want. and ander, my friend, who was with me during my miscarriage exactly one year ago... also tara jones, my awesome wedding photographer (flare productions.) cybil and holly were out of town so it ended up just being jenna, ander, and tara. and christy of course. oh yes. and sparrow. and my brother as well.
actually we had a pretty full house that night! i was really really bummed when sparrow woke up as i was getting out of the shower. this was NOT in the plan! if it was nighttime she was supposed to sleep through it, and had the labor happened during the day, i would have sent her away with someone. i was just unsure of how she might react to my labor. would she get scared? would she be clingy? maybe not, but i hadn't wanted her to stick around so i could find out! however, now here i was naked, whale-like, in the full swing of labor in the middle of the night; and here she was, being quite as whiny and clingy as i had feared. the reason she had woken up (and why she was so grumpy) was because she was sick with a mean old cold that she had picked up a few days beforehand. hence, not sleeping as soundly as usual. i did my best to get through the rest of my getting ready routine with her crying to be picked up the whole time... this was not going to work! help! i noticed, to my relief, that my brother's light was on and recruited him to read her a story while i got myself together. thank God he's a night owl.
ander arrived shortly thereafter and then jenna too. i woke up my sister to tell her what was happening. i remember a general hubbub in the apartment as we all got up and prepped ourselves for what was happening. my brother cooking his oddly early breakfast of eggs and toast in the kitchen. various people taking turns reading to sparrow. christy making me and sparrow some toast. ander feeding me chicken. jenna doing the double hip squeeze for me whenever a contraction would come along. i was able also to cuddle sparrow and read to her for awhile. i was able to wander around gathering the last-minute things i would need. i was quite optimistic and able to talk and laugh, although the contractions were getting more intense and they seemed to be coming quite often, close together, sometimes two at a time. i would "sound" my way through them, making my low-pitched droning noise. i would say, "sparrow, mama's going to get down on the floor now and sing a little song," when a contraction was coming on. then i would kneel and groan til it was over, then get back up and continue reading to her...
sparrow actually cheered up dramatically after she ate some food, and she never exhibited fear or anxiety about my labor activity at all. she ended up being quite an asset, actually, because she came over when i was laboring on the birth ball, and began to roll around on the floor with me doing pilates moves! it was great. she also lent me some of her stuffed animals to squeeze in both hands as i tried to concentrate tension in my arms and relax my core. once i had eaten, things were definitely getting more intense. i spent the next 2 hours or so kneeling on the floor and leaned over the birth ball, rocking, sounding, eyes mostly closed, getting deeper and deeper into the primal "coping" state as i dealt with the rock gripping in my abdomen. it was really interesting, actually, to go through it. i felt very "with" my labor this time, as i had been expecting it to go fast and was prepared for what that would entail. it was as if i was observing myself--i WAS observing myself, as i was experiencing the sensations. i thought about my baby coming down and out, what a joy she would be, and how i could handle this and do it for her. i tried thinking of myself as in a sea of rocking waves (as suggested in 'guide to childbirth'). this image didn't work as well for me as a comfort measure, but i was able to deliberately try it out nonetheless. ander was reading psalms next to me and i remember crying at one point as i felt the amazing and intense love of God for his people israel. she has the perfect, calming, soothing voice for a labor reader. i was glad i had chosen to go with this in labor instead of music. jenna settled on a chair behind me and just did her double hip squeeze thing faithfully. it was all i needed.
hahaha! i remember deliriously looking up at one point and noticing my brother sittin' on the couch staring at me, eating a banana. with quite an expressionless look on his face, of course! this is one of my most amusing snapshots of that night. but sparrow amused me as well. she came over and hugged me when i beckoned to her. i wanted to let her know that i loved her so much. i was squeezing her elmo when she decided that she really needed elmo and grabbed him from me! so i gave him up and was handed another stuffed toy to squeeze. she really wanted to be involved and squeezed elmo as i squeezed my toys. i am so glad she was there after all.
at some point when it was getting really intense i deliberately decided not to go to the hospital until i started wanting to push. i had been a bit apprehensive in the weeks prior to labor as to knowing when i must go in to the hospital. but kneeling here dealing with these contractions, it was pretty clear to me that the last minute was the best time. it was all i could do to deal with the crunching in my belly in the comfort of my own home. i certainly did not want to have to handle it in the hospital with their poking and back lying and monitoring. i was getting pretty sweaty by this point and noticed that the contractions didn't seem to be letting up completely in between--there was still pain, it was just a little less than during an actual contraction. and then it felt like they were coming so fast, too, one after the other and not much relief in between, and i thought, "wow, i just don't want to do this anymore!" and then immediately afterward, i thought, "WOW--i must be in transition if i am thinking this way!!" which was such a sweet realization--things were happening, moving along. and sure enough, pretty soon after that i felt the first pushing urge. a small one, but it was there! "we have to go now," i said decisively.
sadly, sadly--and this is one of my biggest regrets about this labor--my sister had to stay home with sparrow. rick had taken off for an early morning bible study just minutes before, and i hadn't been with it enough to ask him to stay so christy could go with me. such a bummer! i mean, this just solidifies that she has to come to my next birth so she can be THERE when the baby comes out.
they got all my stuff together. "pillows, pillows," i said, remembering last time riding in the car--how it really helped to have pillows to squeeze. "towel!" because i was pretty sure i would be peeing a bit as i sat in the car. we waited for a break in contractions and then hustled down the stairs. i could see the first light of morning. it was shortly before 6 a.m. all down the 2nd flight of stairs i was going through a crazy pushing contraction, and i was groaning really loud right past our neighbors' windows. when i got to the sidewalk, i suddenly cried, "i have to poop--i have to poop right now!" so urgent! jenna was a bit hesitant, but said, "well--ok, i guess you should poop right...here," leading me to a spot just off the sidewalk. i started to get in the motions--i was really gonna do it!--when jenna said, "you know, i think that's actually probably baby wanting to come out." and thank God, by then the contraction lightened up and so did the pooping feeling. i was able to get in the car.
the car ride would have sounded really amusing to anyone listening in. i had read in IMGGtoC (ina may's) that when trying to breathe through pushing contractions it really helps to either blow "raspberries" or to moo like a cow. well the mooing suggestion was the one that really stuck for me, and so i ended up mooing all the way to the hospital. but it was no calm, benign mooing i tell you. this was like life-and-death situation mooing, frantic. every time a contraction would happen i yelled "MOOMOOMOOOMOOOMOO!" all the way through it, straining and desperate. jenna was a chum and mooed with me. evidently she sped all the way there! i guess she even ran a red light. poor thing! was NOT wanting me to have the baby IN the car! she was describing things to me as we drove, too. "beautiful sunrise, no traffic, almost there," etc. but i had my eyes closed the whole time. i barely opened them when we got there to see the "emergency room" entrance sign. i did not look at the parking attendant or at the person who put me in the wheelchair or at the front desk nurse or at the person who rushed me upstairs. "water, water," i panted. jenna gave me some from her own bottle. i was determined not to have to answer any questions. i let my friends speak for me. "what's her name? is this her first baby? who is her doctor?" i could hear the girls fumbling on this one. "i don't know--do you know?" "...no..." inside, i was answering, "it's county clinics, i don't have a doctor!" but i think i remained focused on my mooing, which i continued to do all the way up to the room.
finally there, i got on the bed. hands and knees. the first thing i remember the nurse saying was, "i am going to put an IV in you." "NO! NO IV--I AM NOT HAVING AN IV!" come ON lady--that was like the ONE thing in my birth plan! not that she would have had time to read it, i suppose. so she laid off on that thread. but a few minutes later jenna told me, "she says she really has to put a hep lock in you." a hep lock is a needle with a little tube attached where an IV can quickly be snapped in if it needs to be. i didn't want the hep lock either but was unsure if they would honor this request. anyways the nurse pretty much forgot about the hep lock with everything else going on so fast. she checked me and said i was fully dilated. YES! so the pushing now wouldn't have to be so restrained. the nurse was asking me to try to breathe through contractions--the doctor was on his way. uh-huh, i said. but had other intentions. little did she know i was not the type of customer to want to hang on for the doctor! she asked me to put on the belly monitor and i had the girls put it on me while i was still on hands and knees. i was definitely pushing now! they were still trying to get me in the computer system too and said, "do you have your clinic paperwork?" oh CRAP! i had it in my glove compartment! in my car! in GOLETA! "well someone is going to have to go get it. we need it," said a nurse. ander volunteered and headed out the door. the next thing i knew my water broke, gushing out. poor jenna got wet, and i don't know who else did but i said, "there's the water!" as i surrendered to another crazy pushing urge. the nurse told me i had to get on my back. "can i get on my side?" i panted, and she hesitated but i did not wait for an answer. i flipped to my left side. oh but the pressure! "LEG!" i yelled, and jenna came over to lift my leg. another pushing contraction. out of control!! straining and surrendering. the nurse is saying something about moving me over: "you have to move! scoot onto the bed, your bottom is off the side!" haha, she was really nervous that she was going to have to catch the baby off the edge! i hoisted myself over. stretching! all of a sudden jenna says, "the head is out! WHAT? "praise God!" i exclaimed, totally shocked. i had barely even noticed, i mean, i didn't know it was coming so fast! next contraction, more stretching, i felt i could not do much to restrain my pushing. body out! DONE! there was a baby, lying on the bed, all purple and screaming. 6:16 a.m.
i laughed and laughed; i felt SO exhilarated. oxytocin, endorphins. sheer relief at how well it had gone. "that was AWESOME!" i said over and over, "that was SO cool!" poor ander had only missed it by a minute. this is another of my regrets (WHY did i forget that paperwork?) but i was SOOOOOO happy that the doctor had not gotten there in time. it was perfect. perfect!
the nurses tried to cut the cord, but i asked them to wait til it stopped pulsing and they left it alone. she was attached til the doctor came in to deliver the placenta, actually. the doctor had to stitch me where i had torn in four places. little tears, he said. so--not as bad as last time. i had honestly tried to control my pushing as much as possible! with sparrow i had felt more the capacity of control during the pushing stage, i think, because it was slower. this time it had just--blitzkrieged, basically. so it had gone pretty well under the circumstances. the doctor sure could have been a bit more gentle with his sudden poking and prodding, though. geez! later on, holly told me that she had heard that doctor is notorious for his bad bedside manner. it was not dr. green, to say the least. i was even more grateful to have avoided him for the delivery.
the nurse who came in to complete the paperwork was so nice--her name was robin and she was super excited and supportive about my wanting to let the baby climb her way up to the breast. but first they had to take her off to the side and suction some fluid out of her lungs. she was a really "wet" baby, having come out so fast, and so it was inevitable. but jenna suggested i talk to her and tell her what they were about to do before they took her off my belly. she screamed, but they got the fluid out. then i got her back and she got to wriggle around on me for the next couple hours and find the milk! what a cool thing that babies can do. she screamed the whole time, too. (the nurses joked that she should be joining the choir--she had quite a loud voice on her!) but i knew it was making her stronger to get to find it on her own, and let her struggle on to complete the task. this method of letting the baby find the first meal is also the parent's first lesson in letting go, in allowing the child to learn things by doing, by discovery, independent. it is also truly amazing to watch. it is miraculous how perfectly made they are.
in the nursery, they said that she was going to be a blondie. really? yes, see, her eyebrows are light and so are her eyelashes. i could not for the life of me tell who of us she looked like. not distinctly like either one of us, but also not like sparrow. she was herself. later it dawned on me: she looks like my mother. little ilse. ...well, we'll see. but it is precious to me to have that as the current most obvious family resemblance. the baby was confirmed to be 8 lbs. even! i thought she was smaller than sparrow (who'd been 8 lbs 7 oz), but i think the closest guesser had guessed seven-something. and she was 20 inches long. (sparrow was 22) having come out 3 days early and sparrow 3 days late, this weight made perfect sense. they gain half a lb. per week in the last few weeks.
thomas had been sporadically texting and calling on his cold, long motorcycle ride down from san francisco. he sent me a picture text msg. of his happy face when he heard the news of the birth. i texted him a picture of his new baby. the girls stayed with me for quite a few hours. i got to look through tara's shots on her camera. we discussed the birth over and over. liz koppa came by and brought me a peet's mocha. mmmmmmm! this is becoming a birth tradition for me! thomas finally got there around 930--yaaaaaaaaaaay! i was so relieved to see him, all cold and road-weary with a pillow stuffed into his jacket and wearing 3 pairs of pants and 5 sweaters. reunited and familiar. he had done well.
and there are the details. there is a lot more to say about the stay in the hospital, the drama of choosing THE name (which we couldn't settle on til a week later), and don't even start me on the horrible process of trying to get discharged. it was like the frickin' CIA, as rod would say. (with all the bureaucracy and security measures--just to simply let a mom go home with her baby! it seriously took ALL DAY.) but more on all that later, perhaps. here we are, exactly 3 weeks later. with our baby, our golden. golden. it feels so nice to say. after all these years of having that name in my mind. she is perfect for it. a good little, plump little, soft little blondie of a baby with that peachy downey baby smell still lingering... she is golden.
wednesday night, august 6th 2008 i stayed up til midnight with my sister talking about labor and birth. i had been experiencing a LOT of pre-labor in the weeks preceding, and i was reading a few good birth books. christy had just arrived from germany the night before, so we were getting to catch up a little, and i was sharing with her some interesting tidbits from "ina may gaskin's guide to childbirth." "are you scared?" she asked me at one point. scared? no. the time frame God has allotted to the gestation period is absolutely perfect and brilliant. by the end of the pregnancy, you are so ready for the baby to be OUT that you really don't care how the labor process will be. you just want to do it and get it over with. but beyond that, i felt really well prepared for this to happen, i had everything that i could control under control and a light enough attitude to expect the best from what i couldn't control. with that conversation, we said goodnight and went to bed. two hours and some minutes later, i was awakened by contractions.
i thought this might not be the real thing, as i had already had at least one night of some long and strong contractions in my sleep. however, something about the way these were feeling told me that i should at least get up and finish packing the birth bag. i was unsure about the validity of this labor start because with sparrow it had begun with a feeling of having to go pee, that was not at all relieved by peeing. only after this sensation had the contractions started with her. but this was already a steady pulsing of waves and i guess it was a little more intense than the previous few nights because after all it had woken me up and i couldn't go back to sleep with them. i called thomas. i told him this might be it but i would take a shower and have a little wine and then call him back in half an hour. a shower and wine is supposed to relax you enough to stop a false labor. besides, i knew if it was real i would have to shower now or never because i would hate to have to go to the hospital all greasy. and from experience, my labor wouldn't allow for too much time to shower. i also called jenna, my doula, and told her the same thing. but once in the shower i knew for sure. this was the real labor, it was happening now, and there was no turning back. i don't quite remember how i felt exactly, some sort of mixture between excitement and steady calm, i suppose.
when i got out i called back thomas, who said he would leave at once, and jenna, who promised the same. thomas was in san francisco in the middle of his first week of 3 weeks of feldenkrais training, and he told me he would hop on his motorcycle to get here asap as renting a car this time of night would be a little difficult. we were anticipating this kind of situation, so it wasn't the end of the world that he was gone and might not make it to the birth. that is why i had chosen a strong birth team: jenna humphreys is a doula-in-training who had introduced herself to me on the beach one day. then i had cybil gilbertson on my list, also training for doula stuff. holly lomelino who has had kids and knows what's up in the hospital and what i would and wouldn't want. and ander, my friend, who was with me during my miscarriage exactly one year ago... also tara jones, my awesome wedding photographer (flare productions.) cybil and holly were out of town so it ended up just being jenna, ander, and tara. and christy of course. oh yes. and sparrow. and my brother as well.
actually we had a pretty full house that night! i was really really bummed when sparrow woke up as i was getting out of the shower. this was NOT in the plan! if it was nighttime she was supposed to sleep through it, and had the labor happened during the day, i would have sent her away with someone. i was just unsure of how she might react to my labor. would she get scared? would she be clingy? maybe not, but i hadn't wanted her to stick around so i could find out! however, now here i was naked, whale-like, in the full swing of labor in the middle of the night; and here she was, being quite as whiny and clingy as i had feared. the reason she had woken up (and why she was so grumpy) was because she was sick with a mean old cold that she had picked up a few days beforehand. hence, not sleeping as soundly as usual. i did my best to get through the rest of my getting ready routine with her crying to be picked up the whole time... this was not going to work! help! i noticed, to my relief, that my brother's light was on and recruited him to read her a story while i got myself together. thank God he's a night owl.
ander arrived shortly thereafter and then jenna too. i woke up my sister to tell her what was happening. i remember a general hubbub in the apartment as we all got up and prepped ourselves for what was happening. my brother cooking his oddly early breakfast of eggs and toast in the kitchen. various people taking turns reading to sparrow. christy making me and sparrow some toast. ander feeding me chicken. jenna doing the double hip squeeze for me whenever a contraction would come along. i was able also to cuddle sparrow and read to her for awhile. i was able to wander around gathering the last-minute things i would need. i was quite optimistic and able to talk and laugh, although the contractions were getting more intense and they seemed to be coming quite often, close together, sometimes two at a time. i would "sound" my way through them, making my low-pitched droning noise. i would say, "sparrow, mama's going to get down on the floor now and sing a little song," when a contraction was coming on. then i would kneel and groan til it was over, then get back up and continue reading to her...
sparrow actually cheered up dramatically after she ate some food, and she never exhibited fear or anxiety about my labor activity at all. she ended up being quite an asset, actually, because she came over when i was laboring on the birth ball, and began to roll around on the floor with me doing pilates moves! it was great. she also lent me some of her stuffed animals to squeeze in both hands as i tried to concentrate tension in my arms and relax my core. once i had eaten, things were definitely getting more intense. i spent the next 2 hours or so kneeling on the floor and leaned over the birth ball, rocking, sounding, eyes mostly closed, getting deeper and deeper into the primal "coping" state as i dealt with the rock gripping in my abdomen. it was really interesting, actually, to go through it. i felt very "with" my labor this time, as i had been expecting it to go fast and was prepared for what that would entail. it was as if i was observing myself--i WAS observing myself, as i was experiencing the sensations. i thought about my baby coming down and out, what a joy she would be, and how i could handle this and do it for her. i tried thinking of myself as in a sea of rocking waves (as suggested in 'guide to childbirth'). this image didn't work as well for me as a comfort measure, but i was able to deliberately try it out nonetheless. ander was reading psalms next to me and i remember crying at one point as i felt the amazing and intense love of God for his people israel. she has the perfect, calming, soothing voice for a labor reader. i was glad i had chosen to go with this in labor instead of music. jenna settled on a chair behind me and just did her double hip squeeze thing faithfully. it was all i needed.
hahaha! i remember deliriously looking up at one point and noticing my brother sittin' on the couch staring at me, eating a banana. with quite an expressionless look on his face, of course! this is one of my most amusing snapshots of that night. but sparrow amused me as well. she came over and hugged me when i beckoned to her. i wanted to let her know that i loved her so much. i was squeezing her elmo when she decided that she really needed elmo and grabbed him from me! so i gave him up and was handed another stuffed toy to squeeze. she really wanted to be involved and squeezed elmo as i squeezed my toys. i am so glad she was there after all.
at some point when it was getting really intense i deliberately decided not to go to the hospital until i started wanting to push. i had been a bit apprehensive in the weeks prior to labor as to knowing when i must go in to the hospital. but kneeling here dealing with these contractions, it was pretty clear to me that the last minute was the best time. it was all i could do to deal with the crunching in my belly in the comfort of my own home. i certainly did not want to have to handle it in the hospital with their poking and back lying and monitoring. i was getting pretty sweaty by this point and noticed that the contractions didn't seem to be letting up completely in between--there was still pain, it was just a little less than during an actual contraction. and then it felt like they were coming so fast, too, one after the other and not much relief in between, and i thought, "wow, i just don't want to do this anymore!" and then immediately afterward, i thought, "WOW--i must be in transition if i am thinking this way!!" which was such a sweet realization--things were happening, moving along. and sure enough, pretty soon after that i felt the first pushing urge. a small one, but it was there! "we have to go now," i said decisively.
sadly, sadly--and this is one of my biggest regrets about this labor--my sister had to stay home with sparrow. rick had taken off for an early morning bible study just minutes before, and i hadn't been with it enough to ask him to stay so christy could go with me. such a bummer! i mean, this just solidifies that she has to come to my next birth so she can be THERE when the baby comes out.
they got all my stuff together. "pillows, pillows," i said, remembering last time riding in the car--how it really helped to have pillows to squeeze. "towel!" because i was pretty sure i would be peeing a bit as i sat in the car. we waited for a break in contractions and then hustled down the stairs. i could see the first light of morning. it was shortly before 6 a.m. all down the 2nd flight of stairs i was going through a crazy pushing contraction, and i was groaning really loud right past our neighbors' windows. when i got to the sidewalk, i suddenly cried, "i have to poop--i have to poop right now!" so urgent! jenna was a bit hesitant, but said, "well--ok, i guess you should poop right...here," leading me to a spot just off the sidewalk. i started to get in the motions--i was really gonna do it!--when jenna said, "you know, i think that's actually probably baby wanting to come out." and thank God, by then the contraction lightened up and so did the pooping feeling. i was able to get in the car.
the car ride would have sounded really amusing to anyone listening in. i had read in IMGGtoC (ina may's) that when trying to breathe through pushing contractions it really helps to either blow "raspberries" or to moo like a cow. well the mooing suggestion was the one that really stuck for me, and so i ended up mooing all the way to the hospital. but it was no calm, benign mooing i tell you. this was like life-and-death situation mooing, frantic. every time a contraction would happen i yelled "MOOMOOMOOOMOOOMOO!" all the way through it, straining and desperate. jenna was a chum and mooed with me. evidently she sped all the way there! i guess she even ran a red light. poor thing! was NOT wanting me to have the baby IN the car! she was describing things to me as we drove, too. "beautiful sunrise, no traffic, almost there," etc. but i had my eyes closed the whole time. i barely opened them when we got there to see the "emergency room" entrance sign. i did not look at the parking attendant or at the person who put me in the wheelchair or at the front desk nurse or at the person who rushed me upstairs. "water, water," i panted. jenna gave me some from her own bottle. i was determined not to have to answer any questions. i let my friends speak for me. "what's her name? is this her first baby? who is her doctor?" i could hear the girls fumbling on this one. "i don't know--do you know?" "...no..." inside, i was answering, "it's county clinics, i don't have a doctor!" but i think i remained focused on my mooing, which i continued to do all the way up to the room.
finally there, i got on the bed. hands and knees. the first thing i remember the nurse saying was, "i am going to put an IV in you." "NO! NO IV--I AM NOT HAVING AN IV!" come ON lady--that was like the ONE thing in my birth plan! not that she would have had time to read it, i suppose. so she laid off on that thread. but a few minutes later jenna told me, "she says she really has to put a hep lock in you." a hep lock is a needle with a little tube attached where an IV can quickly be snapped in if it needs to be. i didn't want the hep lock either but was unsure if they would honor this request. anyways the nurse pretty much forgot about the hep lock with everything else going on so fast. she checked me and said i was fully dilated. YES! so the pushing now wouldn't have to be so restrained. the nurse was asking me to try to breathe through contractions--the doctor was on his way. uh-huh, i said. but had other intentions. little did she know i was not the type of customer to want to hang on for the doctor! she asked me to put on the belly monitor and i had the girls put it on me while i was still on hands and knees. i was definitely pushing now! they were still trying to get me in the computer system too and said, "do you have your clinic paperwork?" oh CRAP! i had it in my glove compartment! in my car! in GOLETA! "well someone is going to have to go get it. we need it," said a nurse. ander volunteered and headed out the door. the next thing i knew my water broke, gushing out. poor jenna got wet, and i don't know who else did but i said, "there's the water!" as i surrendered to another crazy pushing urge. the nurse told me i had to get on my back. "can i get on my side?" i panted, and she hesitated but i did not wait for an answer. i flipped to my left side. oh but the pressure! "LEG!" i yelled, and jenna came over to lift my leg. another pushing contraction. out of control!! straining and surrendering. the nurse is saying something about moving me over: "you have to move! scoot onto the bed, your bottom is off the side!" haha, she was really nervous that she was going to have to catch the baby off the edge! i hoisted myself over. stretching! all of a sudden jenna says, "the head is out! WHAT? "praise God!" i exclaimed, totally shocked. i had barely even noticed, i mean, i didn't know it was coming so fast! next contraction, more stretching, i felt i could not do much to restrain my pushing. body out! DONE! there was a baby, lying on the bed, all purple and screaming. 6:16 a.m.
i laughed and laughed; i felt SO exhilarated. oxytocin, endorphins. sheer relief at how well it had gone. "that was AWESOME!" i said over and over, "that was SO cool!" poor ander had only missed it by a minute. this is another of my regrets (WHY did i forget that paperwork?) but i was SOOOOOO happy that the doctor had not gotten there in time. it was perfect. perfect!
the nurses tried to cut the cord, but i asked them to wait til it stopped pulsing and they left it alone. she was attached til the doctor came in to deliver the placenta, actually. the doctor had to stitch me where i had torn in four places. little tears, he said. so--not as bad as last time. i had honestly tried to control my pushing as much as possible! with sparrow i had felt more the capacity of control during the pushing stage, i think, because it was slower. this time it had just--blitzkrieged, basically. so it had gone pretty well under the circumstances. the doctor sure could have been a bit more gentle with his sudden poking and prodding, though. geez! later on, holly told me that she had heard that doctor is notorious for his bad bedside manner. it was not dr. green, to say the least. i was even more grateful to have avoided him for the delivery.
the nurse who came in to complete the paperwork was so nice--her name was robin and she was super excited and supportive about my wanting to let the baby climb her way up to the breast. but first they had to take her off to the side and suction some fluid out of her lungs. she was a really "wet" baby, having come out so fast, and so it was inevitable. but jenna suggested i talk to her and tell her what they were about to do before they took her off my belly. she screamed, but they got the fluid out. then i got her back and she got to wriggle around on me for the next couple hours and find the milk! what a cool thing that babies can do. she screamed the whole time, too. (the nurses joked that she should be joining the choir--she had quite a loud voice on her!) but i knew it was making her stronger to get to find it on her own, and let her struggle on to complete the task. this method of letting the baby find the first meal is also the parent's first lesson in letting go, in allowing the child to learn things by doing, by discovery, independent. it is also truly amazing to watch. it is miraculous how perfectly made they are.
in the nursery, they said that she was going to be a blondie. really? yes, see, her eyebrows are light and so are her eyelashes. i could not for the life of me tell who of us she looked like. not distinctly like either one of us, but also not like sparrow. she was herself. later it dawned on me: she looks like my mother. little ilse. ...well, we'll see. but it is precious to me to have that as the current most obvious family resemblance. the baby was confirmed to be 8 lbs. even! i thought she was smaller than sparrow (who'd been 8 lbs 7 oz), but i think the closest guesser had guessed seven-something. and she was 20 inches long. (sparrow was 22) having come out 3 days early and sparrow 3 days late, this weight made perfect sense. they gain half a lb. per week in the last few weeks.
thomas had been sporadically texting and calling on his cold, long motorcycle ride down from san francisco. he sent me a picture text msg. of his happy face when he heard the news of the birth. i texted him a picture of his new baby. the girls stayed with me for quite a few hours. i got to look through tara's shots on her camera. we discussed the birth over and over. liz koppa came by and brought me a peet's mocha. mmmmmmm! this is becoming a birth tradition for me! thomas finally got there around 930--yaaaaaaaaaaay! i was so relieved to see him, all cold and road-weary with a pillow stuffed into his jacket and wearing 3 pairs of pants and 5 sweaters. reunited and familiar. he had done well.
and there are the details. there is a lot more to say about the stay in the hospital, the drama of choosing THE name (which we couldn't settle on til a week later), and don't even start me on the horrible process of trying to get discharged. it was like the frickin' CIA, as rod would say. (with all the bureaucracy and security measures--just to simply let a mom go home with her baby! it seriously took ALL DAY.) but more on all that later, perhaps. here we are, exactly 3 weeks later. with our baby, our golden. golden. it feels so nice to say. after all these years of having that name in my mind. she is perfect for it. a good little, plump little, soft little blondie of a baby with that peachy downey baby smell still lingering... she is golden.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
pregnancy journal entry 8
This is day number 258 and you're 36 weeks pregnant!
You have 22 days or 3 weeks left, and are 92.1% of the way there.
Baby's age since conception is 244 days or 34 weeks. You are due on 8/10/2008.
Fetal Development
Your baby has added another half pound and now weighs about 6 pounds, measures around 20.7 inches in length, and is almost ready to check out of "Hotel Mom." Your baby has moved downward towards your vagina; hopefully headfirst. However, at this stage it is very common for babies to be feet first, or breech. It is not until labor begins that you can know for sure if your doctor will need to manually turn the baby (ECV), or if you will have to consider a cesarean delivery.
Nesting Instinct
Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world.
Females of the animal kingdom are all equipped with this same need. It is a primal instinct. Just as you see birds making their nests, mothers-to-be do exactly the same thing. The act of nesting puts you in control and gives a sense of accomplishment toward birth. You may become a homebody and want to retreat into the comfort of home and familiar company, like a brooding hen. The nesting urge can also be seen as a sign of the onset of labor when it occurs close to 40 weeks of pregnancy.
Nesting brings about some unique and seemingly irrational behaviors in pregnant women and all of them experience it differently. Women have reported throwing away perfectly good sheets and towels because they felt the strong need to have "brand new, clean" sheets and towels in their home. They have also reported doing things like taking apart the knobs on kitchen cupboards, just so they could disinfect the screws attached to the knobs. Women have discussed taking on cleaning their entire house, armed with a toothbrush. There seems to be no end to the lengths a nesting mother will go to prepare for her upcoming arrival.
hah! been feeling that for sure. i am getting all stressed about certain things not being organized, would like to have the porch completely cleared off, the carport cleared, etc. i have been wanting to clean the walls in the bedroom for months. which i finally did yesterday. i decided to heck with taking a trip to home depot to get the mr. clean wall cleaner sheets, i am just going to use my home made cleaner. secret: it works just as well. my walls came out lovely white. a little castile soap mixed with water in a spray bottle and a sponge. hm. and it's non-toxic. why the heck did i wait so long? that's the same solution i detail-cleaned the inside of the car with for 3 hours last week, too. i armed myself for car cleaning with: the castile-water solution, also a water-vinegar-essential oil solution, and a spray bottle of club soda. then an old towel, q-tips, and paper towels. yes, it took me 3 1/2 hours. but this car hadn't been vacuumed in months, and detail-cleaned? never since we've had it. years. now it is so lovely and i feel great about it being ready to take on a newborn baby. although we probably won't even be driving it anymore when baby sister arrives. we are really looking at getting a used volvo next week. we've been researching for months, ever since some great friends of ours gave us $2000 towards a new car! can you believe it? i am so incredibly blessed all the time.
the midwife at my last clinic appointment made it sound like i should be ready to deliver my own baby, and was quite emphatic that second babies usually come in half the time. sheesh. as intense as 5 1/2 hours of labor was, i'm not sure that i would want it to go any faster, but then again i know i have quite a limited choice on that matter. i just hope i am "with it" enough to be able to push slowly and properly like i want to. i also found out that dr. green is on the rotations for cottage births! which means he could be the one to deliver my baby again! that is what i am praying for now, as i know he is absolutely the most mother-friendly doctor in town. i know with him i have the best chance of getting to deliver on my side or knees or even squatting. of course the best chance would be if the doctor didn't even come in in time, but what the heck. i don't want it to be a huge fight with either the nurses OR the doctor to have a "natural" delivery. i just keep picturing myself on my back with my legs up like some helpless, depressing kafka beetle. no WONDER i tore last time. not optimal positioning, and then they were all telling me to give really big pushes! and i listened to them instead of my body like an idiot. anyways, that's what i mean by being with it. i really really want to know what i need at the time and be assertive enough to get it. and not get it into my head that just because i'm poor and on medi-cal i and my baby don't deserve a birth that is sweet and sacred.
my doula is bringing me a midwifery textbook this week, too, JUST in case segunda pops out at home or in the car. (since i am still apprehensive about going to the hospital right away. stupid painful belly monitor!) according to a book she read, every woman should be prepared to deliver her own baby. you just never know. this is so wise. i particularly want to know how to suction fluids out of the lungs and what to do if the cord is wrapped around the neck...
geez i am running out of time here, though. three weeks? and i am feeling sooooo ready. i know it is foolish to hope for an early delivery, but the signs my body is giving me are just like the ones i had the DAY before i gave birth to sparrow. In particular, sharp pains in the cervix, which i have been experiencing for weeks now, and major amounts of braxton hicks contractions. it's so funny, though--the mind-body connection: some days i just feel like i could push her out right now, and some days i feel way too anxious about money or housing or family or simply not having everything ready or clean enough yet. on those days i just know she is not going to come early. she just can't. i remember this with sparrow, i felt pretty ready to have her but then right on my due date, thomas decided it was time to clean out the hall closet, and piles of crap ended up in the middle of our room. i was SO anxious and stressed that day! i could not have given birth with our room in such a state. the other thing factoring in to favor an early delivery here is the knowledge that thomas is going to be in san francisco soon, and i just have this feeling that i have to push her out before he goes! women are amazing, too, i know i have a lot to do with the delivery date with my attitude and readiness. i mean, women have totally voluntarily opened--and closed!--their cervixes (is that a word?) as well as voluntarily stopped post-placenta uterine bleeding, not to mention totally sucked their crowning babies right back in if someone or something unwelcome entered the delivery room!
i am learning all these great things about childbirth from the book "ina may's guide to childbirth," which cybil lent me recently. it is wonderful to read the perspective of this woman who is so in awe of and so confident in the woman's ability to give birth. one of the things that has helped me the most is her assertion that it is definitely NOT like pushing an orange out of your nostril. "Nostrils weren't created to do anything of the kind. Nothing larger than a little mucus comes out of them." her point is that the birth canal WAS created to have babies come out of it, and it is awesomely capable of doing so. the bones move, the canal stretches and expands, and the baby's head actually mushes together--hence the movable skull plates--hello! we picture this thing that is the size of a large grapefruit bursting out of a tiny hole, and we simply cringe. in reality, if you have ever seen a baby come out of someone, (and i have) the head looks nothing like a grapefruit. it is a mushed, malleable kind of squishy thing that is perfectly suited to exiting the mother's body in just this rather slow way. it really is stunning how it is all made to work.
another thing that has been encouraging in reading this book is the way that the author (ina may gaskin) describes contractions as "rushes" and emphasizes the husband's role as lover in labor and childbirth. the way he can ease and even neutralize the pains if the couple can choose to focus on each other, lean on each other, and draw on their love. the case studies she has of women who chose to go along with these suggestions are totally inspiring. which is another reason why i need thomas to be there during the birth. i can't very well make out with ander now, can i... but you know, i know even if he is not here, i am going to be totally ok. i have ander as friend and support, two great doulas who are excited about the process of life, holly lomelino as an experienced help, and now my sister is scheduled to be here as well. i am fully surrounded and supported, and my love for my husband will be felt strongly either way.
as for now, my friends, i am still waddling around during the day and floundering like a whale on my bed at night. my lower back and hips are treating me crazy!! nothing to complain about--compared to nausea--but seriously! my relaxin hormone has been working on me so much that i can now hear my legs clacking in my hip sockets when i walk down stairs. every time i get up i hobble about like a fat old geezer. and whoever made up that thing about sleeping on your left side? i swear if i sleep on my left side i get these excruciating, stabbing jabs in my sacrum if i try to roll over, sit up, stand, walk, or put pants on. yes. there is definitely a parallel. i am better off sleeping on my back! supposedly dangerous for your heart, but... what can i say. that's just my dang observation.
this baby herself has grown quite large--i gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks! (and i thought i was going to get by with less than 40 lbs this time.) and she is now stretching out to kick my ribs quite often. i am so excited to see what she will look like. and i really hope that her name just dawns on us when we meet her. i like june, i like evangeline, margo, imogen, jael, adelaide, golden of course, olive, grey, and quite a bundle of other names, but honestly can't settle in on any type of priority or configuration among them. plus, we have to keep in mind that at least one middle name has to be acceptable in german. we owe at least that much to my german heritage and dear dad. and with that, friends, this is probably my last entry until the big event is over, people have been looking at me with sketchy "you're about to pop, aren't you?" eyes for over a month now--some (men) even having the audacity to say as much outloud. so there you have it. labor!--bring it on! i am looking forward to it.
You have 22 days or 3 weeks left, and are 92.1% of the way there.
Baby's age since conception is 244 days or 34 weeks. You are due on 8/10/2008.
Fetal Development
Your baby has added another half pound and now weighs about 6 pounds, measures around 20.7 inches in length, and is almost ready to check out of "Hotel Mom." Your baby has moved downward towards your vagina; hopefully headfirst. However, at this stage it is very common for babies to be feet first, or breech. It is not until labor begins that you can know for sure if your doctor will need to manually turn the baby (ECV), or if you will have to consider a cesarean delivery.
Nesting Instinct
Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world.
Females of the animal kingdom are all equipped with this same need. It is a primal instinct. Just as you see birds making their nests, mothers-to-be do exactly the same thing. The act of nesting puts you in control and gives a sense of accomplishment toward birth. You may become a homebody and want to retreat into the comfort of home and familiar company, like a brooding hen. The nesting urge can also be seen as a sign of the onset of labor when it occurs close to 40 weeks of pregnancy.
Nesting brings about some unique and seemingly irrational behaviors in pregnant women and all of them experience it differently. Women have reported throwing away perfectly good sheets and towels because they felt the strong need to have "brand new, clean" sheets and towels in their home. They have also reported doing things like taking apart the knobs on kitchen cupboards, just so they could disinfect the screws attached to the knobs. Women have discussed taking on cleaning their entire house, armed with a toothbrush. There seems to be no end to the lengths a nesting mother will go to prepare for her upcoming arrival.
hah! been feeling that for sure. i am getting all stressed about certain things not being organized, would like to have the porch completely cleared off, the carport cleared, etc. i have been wanting to clean the walls in the bedroom for months. which i finally did yesterday. i decided to heck with taking a trip to home depot to get the mr. clean wall cleaner sheets, i am just going to use my home made cleaner. secret: it works just as well. my walls came out lovely white. a little castile soap mixed with water in a spray bottle and a sponge. hm. and it's non-toxic. why the heck did i wait so long? that's the same solution i detail-cleaned the inside of the car with for 3 hours last week, too. i armed myself for car cleaning with: the castile-water solution, also a water-vinegar-essential oil solution, and a spray bottle of club soda. then an old towel, q-tips, and paper towels. yes, it took me 3 1/2 hours. but this car hadn't been vacuumed in months, and detail-cleaned? never since we've had it. years. now it is so lovely and i feel great about it being ready to take on a newborn baby. although we probably won't even be driving it anymore when baby sister arrives. we are really looking at getting a used volvo next week. we've been researching for months, ever since some great friends of ours gave us $2000 towards a new car! can you believe it? i am so incredibly blessed all the time.
the midwife at my last clinic appointment made it sound like i should be ready to deliver my own baby, and was quite emphatic that second babies usually come in half the time. sheesh. as intense as 5 1/2 hours of labor was, i'm not sure that i would want it to go any faster, but then again i know i have quite a limited choice on that matter. i just hope i am "with it" enough to be able to push slowly and properly like i want to. i also found out that dr. green is on the rotations for cottage births! which means he could be the one to deliver my baby again! that is what i am praying for now, as i know he is absolutely the most mother-friendly doctor in town. i know with him i have the best chance of getting to deliver on my side or knees or even squatting. of course the best chance would be if the doctor didn't even come in in time, but what the heck. i don't want it to be a huge fight with either the nurses OR the doctor to have a "natural" delivery. i just keep picturing myself on my back with my legs up like some helpless, depressing kafka beetle. no WONDER i tore last time. not optimal positioning, and then they were all telling me to give really big pushes! and i listened to them instead of my body like an idiot. anyways, that's what i mean by being with it. i really really want to know what i need at the time and be assertive enough to get it. and not get it into my head that just because i'm poor and on medi-cal i and my baby don't deserve a birth that is sweet and sacred.
my doula is bringing me a midwifery textbook this week, too, JUST in case segunda pops out at home or in the car. (since i am still apprehensive about going to the hospital right away. stupid painful belly monitor!) according to a book she read, every woman should be prepared to deliver her own baby. you just never know. this is so wise. i particularly want to know how to suction fluids out of the lungs and what to do if the cord is wrapped around the neck...
geez i am running out of time here, though. three weeks? and i am feeling sooooo ready. i know it is foolish to hope for an early delivery, but the signs my body is giving me are just like the ones i had the DAY before i gave birth to sparrow. In particular, sharp pains in the cervix, which i have been experiencing for weeks now, and major amounts of braxton hicks contractions. it's so funny, though--the mind-body connection: some days i just feel like i could push her out right now, and some days i feel way too anxious about money or housing or family or simply not having everything ready or clean enough yet. on those days i just know she is not going to come early. she just can't. i remember this with sparrow, i felt pretty ready to have her but then right on my due date, thomas decided it was time to clean out the hall closet, and piles of crap ended up in the middle of our room. i was SO anxious and stressed that day! i could not have given birth with our room in such a state. the other thing factoring in to favor an early delivery here is the knowledge that thomas is going to be in san francisco soon, and i just have this feeling that i have to push her out before he goes! women are amazing, too, i know i have a lot to do with the delivery date with my attitude and readiness. i mean, women have totally voluntarily opened--and closed!--their cervixes (is that a word?) as well as voluntarily stopped post-placenta uterine bleeding, not to mention totally sucked their crowning babies right back in if someone or something unwelcome entered the delivery room!
i am learning all these great things about childbirth from the book "ina may's guide to childbirth," which cybil lent me recently. it is wonderful to read the perspective of this woman who is so in awe of and so confident in the woman's ability to give birth. one of the things that has helped me the most is her assertion that it is definitely NOT like pushing an orange out of your nostril. "Nostrils weren't created to do anything of the kind. Nothing larger than a little mucus comes out of them." her point is that the birth canal WAS created to have babies come out of it, and it is awesomely capable of doing so. the bones move, the canal stretches and expands, and the baby's head actually mushes together--hence the movable skull plates--hello! we picture this thing that is the size of a large grapefruit bursting out of a tiny hole, and we simply cringe. in reality, if you have ever seen a baby come out of someone, (and i have) the head looks nothing like a grapefruit. it is a mushed, malleable kind of squishy thing that is perfectly suited to exiting the mother's body in just this rather slow way. it really is stunning how it is all made to work.
another thing that has been encouraging in reading this book is the way that the author (ina may gaskin) describes contractions as "rushes" and emphasizes the husband's role as lover in labor and childbirth. the way he can ease and even neutralize the pains if the couple can choose to focus on each other, lean on each other, and draw on their love. the case studies she has of women who chose to go along with these suggestions are totally inspiring. which is another reason why i need thomas to be there during the birth. i can't very well make out with ander now, can i... but you know, i know even if he is not here, i am going to be totally ok. i have ander as friend and support, two great doulas who are excited about the process of life, holly lomelino as an experienced help, and now my sister is scheduled to be here as well. i am fully surrounded and supported, and my love for my husband will be felt strongly either way.
as for now, my friends, i am still waddling around during the day and floundering like a whale on my bed at night. my lower back and hips are treating me crazy!! nothing to complain about--compared to nausea--but seriously! my relaxin hormone has been working on me so much that i can now hear my legs clacking in my hip sockets when i walk down stairs. every time i get up i hobble about like a fat old geezer. and whoever made up that thing about sleeping on your left side? i swear if i sleep on my left side i get these excruciating, stabbing jabs in my sacrum if i try to roll over, sit up, stand, walk, or put pants on. yes. there is definitely a parallel. i am better off sleeping on my back! supposedly dangerous for your heart, but... what can i say. that's just my dang observation.
this baby herself has grown quite large--i gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks! (and i thought i was going to get by with less than 40 lbs this time.) and she is now stretching out to kick my ribs quite often. i am so excited to see what she will look like. and i really hope that her name just dawns on us when we meet her. i like june, i like evangeline, margo, imogen, jael, adelaide, golden of course, olive, grey, and quite a bundle of other names, but honestly can't settle in on any type of priority or configuration among them. plus, we have to keep in mind that at least one middle name has to be acceptable in german. we owe at least that much to my german heritage and dear dad. and with that, friends, this is probably my last entry until the big event is over, people have been looking at me with sketchy "you're about to pop, aren't you?" eyes for over a month now--some (men) even having the audacity to say as much outloud. so there you have it. labor!--bring it on! i am looking forward to it.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
stung by a bee!
poor sparrow had to experience a bee sting (BS!) yesterday. i was driving her home from samuel's house after work, when suddenly she started completely freaking out and shrieking in the back seat (BS!). I knew it was the kind of shrieking where she had gotten hurt, and i glanced back and saw her frantically itching/rubbing her shoulder. i guessed it was a bee sting right then and there and pulled over to take a closer look. we were almost home and i didn't see the bee around, so the best i could do was to tell her we would be home soon and i would look at it as soon as possible. i hauled arse on the final stretch home and got her and a bunch of stuff into the house with the poor dear crying hysterically. when i pulled her out of her car seat, sure enough, the wicked creature was still nosing about in her car seat! i got a paper towel and smashed it dead, then put it in a ziploc bag to analyze later. the fact that i got 'im seemed to make her feel somewhat better, but everything was pretty hectic until i got her in the bedroom and got her clothes off. except she freaked out even more when i took off her dress. "my dress! my dress! i wanna wear the red dress!!!!" she hollered. (she had found this interesting red corduroy dress in a bag of clothes holly had given me for segundo, and she insisted on trying it on. amazingly, it still fit her, and it has been her favorite thing to wear these past few days...)
anyways, the dress had to come off for me to examine her shoulder properly, but she really wouldn't let me anywhere near the sting. i finally determined that there was no stinger in the wound, but i really wanted to clean it off with water at least, and she wouldn't let me. the great thing was that holly had just given me a book called "nature's pharmacy for children" that day when i had picked up sparrow from her house. it was one of my baby shower gifts from the girls and it had arrived at holly's house in the mail. so--aya was here that day and i handed her the book and had her looking up remedies for bee stings as i tried to deal with sparrow's hysteria. she said calendula cream or a moistened aspirin rubbed on the area would be an effective treatment. this ended up not being too helpful though since sparrow wouldn't let me touch it. she was putting on a worse show than when we wash her hair... however, having that book reminded me of something i had read about in that book months earlier when i got it at the library: rescue remedy.
there is this company called bach who makes flower extracts as nontoxic homeopathic remedies, and their most popular one is called "rescue remedy." it is for times of intense stress or ire, and if anything qualified, this moment certainly did. so i read in the book about how to administer the stuff, and it said you could put drops in a glass of water. i had bought some at lassens when i'd first read about it, but never used it before. now i put it in some water and tasted it. tasteless, thank goodness! i asked sparrow if she wanted some water, and she had seen me put the drops in so she was really suspicious, but seeing me drink it, she took some, and i got her to drink the whole thing! sure enough, within moments her cries subsided and she was able to calmly read books with me before naptime. then we fell asleep together, but when i woke up, i managed to sneak some calendula cream onto her shoulder without her waking up--score! by the time she got up from her nap, the sting was barely even visible. i had also been nervous about allergic reaction, of course, cause you never can tell until the reaction happens (hives, swelling, difficulty breathing, etc.) but thank God she ended up not having any allergic reaction to the bee, so--now we know! i am super grateful. check out the amazingness of God as he creates flowers that can give extracts to calm the emotions! it is just baffling!!! this stuff is going to be a new favorite ally of mine, i can tell. i might even use it in labor.
sparrow talked about her bee sting all day. she told janny downstairs, "a bee STING me!" with wide eyes, and she also told daddy on the phone, as well as alan and melissa. my favorite moment, though, happened when she was still bawling--she looked at me with this tear-streaked face and said frantically, "it went bzzzzzz bzzzzzz ZZP!," moving her little fingers around in the "bee" pattern that we always do. it used to be fun: bzzzzz-zip! now it was all too real. learning about the world can be so painful at times!
anyways, the dress had to come off for me to examine her shoulder properly, but she really wouldn't let me anywhere near the sting. i finally determined that there was no stinger in the wound, but i really wanted to clean it off with water at least, and she wouldn't let me. the great thing was that holly had just given me a book called "nature's pharmacy for children" that day when i had picked up sparrow from her house. it was one of my baby shower gifts from the girls and it had arrived at holly's house in the mail. so--aya was here that day and i handed her the book and had her looking up remedies for bee stings as i tried to deal with sparrow's hysteria. she said calendula cream or a moistened aspirin rubbed on the area would be an effective treatment. this ended up not being too helpful though since sparrow wouldn't let me touch it. she was putting on a worse show than when we wash her hair... however, having that book reminded me of something i had read about in that book months earlier when i got it at the library: rescue remedy.
there is this company called bach who makes flower extracts as nontoxic homeopathic remedies, and their most popular one is called "rescue remedy." it is for times of intense stress or ire, and if anything qualified, this moment certainly did. so i read in the book about how to administer the stuff, and it said you could put drops in a glass of water. i had bought some at lassens when i'd first read about it, but never used it before. now i put it in some water and tasted it. tasteless, thank goodness! i asked sparrow if she wanted some water, and she had seen me put the drops in so she was really suspicious, but seeing me drink it, she took some, and i got her to drink the whole thing! sure enough, within moments her cries subsided and she was able to calmly read books with me before naptime. then we fell asleep together, but when i woke up, i managed to sneak some calendula cream onto her shoulder without her waking up--score! by the time she got up from her nap, the sting was barely even visible. i had also been nervous about allergic reaction, of course, cause you never can tell until the reaction happens (hives, swelling, difficulty breathing, etc.) but thank God she ended up not having any allergic reaction to the bee, so--now we know! i am super grateful. check out the amazingness of God as he creates flowers that can give extracts to calm the emotions! it is just baffling!!! this stuff is going to be a new favorite ally of mine, i can tell. i might even use it in labor.
sparrow talked about her bee sting all day. she told janny downstairs, "a bee STING me!" with wide eyes, and she also told daddy on the phone, as well as alan and melissa. my favorite moment, though, happened when she was still bawling--she looked at me with this tear-streaked face and said frantically, "it went bzzzzzz bzzzzzz ZZP!," moving her little fingers around in the "bee" pattern that we always do. it used to be fun: bzzzzz-zip! now it was all too real. learning about the world can be so painful at times!
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